Every nook and cranny.

Well, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. And yes, it's quite different attempting to celebrate this holiday when you don't live in America. Especially when everyone simply knows it as the holiday in which we founded the States, and killed a ton of people. I suppose I understand why people are slightly confused that we celebrate this day. But to us Americans, it is simply a day where every single one of us wishes we were home with our family. Whatever that looks like. I will miss going around the table, and hearing what everyone is thankful for. Eating good food. Seeing all of my family together. Being with my brothers. Ya know... the whole bit. But, I do believe some of the Americans are getting together to play some American football, and eat some lukewarm turkey. Although it will be a feeble attempt to feel at home, it will indeed make me feel slightly warm inside.

I'm playing a role in the Christmas roadshow. I play a hotel receptionist with loads of attitude and a good dose of sass. It will be fun. We'll be going to six different churches in the area to perform our little bit. It will be great fun, I'm sure.

Being a member of the Social Committee here at Capernwray, I feel like I should inform you all of the recent events that have been happening here at Capernwray, as a result of me and my fellow members of the committee. We had a "Pigeon Hole Party." You see, the way we get our mail here is little cubby holes, or pigeon holes, that have one letter on them. So, we share a mailbox with everyone that shares the first letter of our surname. So the five of us on the committee decided to have each pigeon hole dress up according to a different category. (i.e. geeks, futuristic, villains, togas, caveman, super heroes, etc.) I was a zombie. So, we all came to dinner in our different outfits, we played games. And, of course, had a dance party. Or, what the kids here like to call it.... A CapernRAVE. It was a good time, for sure.

I'm almost 18. Weird.

Thank you so much for sending me mail, friends. You have no idea how wonderful it is to receive a letter. The joy i feel when i see something waiting in my pigeon hole is indescribable. So, thank you. So much.

Have I told you how much I love my roommates? I love them a lot. We are truly starting to bond up in the ole' penthouse. We are all four so different. From different parts of the world. But we just get closer and closer every day. I'm so thankful for them.

As a result of the diversity of Capernwray, there are just an incredible amount of accents. Everyone sounds so different and I love it. Even within England, they sound so different. Northern English people, and Southern English people sound totally different. It's so funny. Our lecturers have all had different crazy accents. One of Liverpool, one from South Africa, one from Russia, one from the north of England, one from the South..... And well, our lecturer this weeks LITERALLY sounds like an Ent. Yes, an Ent. From Lord of the Rings. Treebeard, to be specific. It's hilarious to hear an old tree teach you about hebrews. Ah, I can't get enough.

With the help of my incredible brother, a great book (Becoming the Answers to Our Prayers by Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Costgrove- all of you go buy it and read it...... now.), some wonderful lectures, some helpful conversations, and the Bible, have all seemed to be pointing me to the simple fact that:

Jesus is everywhere.

You can't get away from Him. What a beautiful thing. The Trinity, The Great Creator, The Son of God, and the Holy Spirit, constantly surrounding you everyday in every moment. Does that not just blow your mind? Amazing.



So, friends. Be with your family this Thanksgiving. Be thankful for diversity, for fun, for dance parties, for friends, for food, for your community, and for the consistent and incredible presence of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

Love.

The beauty of silence.

The days here are getting faster and faster. I feel as if my mind is constantly trying to catch up with me. I am trying to process the things that are happening to me, while trying to live everyday presently, and think about the future. It's exhausting, to say that least.

I miss my family. I do. I think of them often here. I think of my brothers when I go on adventures and explore new places. I think of my mom when I am tired, or sick, or want wisdom, or a shoulder to cry on, or everything really. I think of my dad when something hilarious happens, when i'm singing, or when i embarrass myself. All of these things happen on a daily basis. Therefore, making me think of my family on a daily basis. I think being away makes you appreciate them all the more. Being somewhere they have never been, that you love. It's impossible to try and describe this place, no matter how bad you want them to know.

Last week, we had an electronic fast. No computers, no phones, no ipods, etc. It was really great. The community, it seemed, was better than ever. Yes, it was hard not to check my email, not to call my mom, and no to be able to turn ryan adams on whenever I wanted to. But man, it was what every single student here really needed. Instead of listening to music, we made it. Instead of emailing, we wrote letters. Plus, I think card games are a lost art anyway.

The reason we did this electronic fast is to prepare ourselves for our all day prayer on Thursday. Instead of lectures, we just prayed. We all went off on our own and prayed. All day long. We had some songs in the morning, some more in the afternoon, and then my friend Marika and I were asked to sing for the night service. It was really an incredible day. God asked us to come to Him in the secret. Prayer is so powerful, and this place is letting me see the reality of that for the first time in my life. It's really beautiful.

On Wednesday, My name was called during morning announcements, along with the names of nine others. We were moved to the back room, and I looked at my fellow students, greeting each other with our common confused looks. Then, my RA walked back and looked at all of us. And said: "You have all been chosen to go to Kenya for the outreach next term."

Whoa. Wait.
I am?!?

Yes, I am going to Africa. Finally. I am going to go for two weeks at the end of February/beginning of March. I feel as if God is finally letting my body follow my heart. I am just out of my mind excited that he had handed my this opportunity that I feel like I have wanting this for so long, and it's finally going to happen. Yes, there are finances to raise, shots to get, prayers to be prayed, sports to be good at, and the fact that I'm slightly terrified to settle. But all of those things will fall into place, and i am not worried about any of them. Well, maybe a little about the being good at soccer thing...

I love you all.


Go play a card game...

Skittles taste different in England.

My dear friends and family,

May I please start off my entry with an annoying, yet necessary, disclaimer.
I am sincerely apologetic for my lack of necessary lengthy responses to emails, blog entires, phone calls, and message replies. I have been doing an awful job at this, and I am fully aware of my shortcomings. Let at least try to explain this to you, not that i'm trying to make excuses. Here at Capernwray, we have limited internet access. It's on for 3 hours in the afternoon, and one hour at night. during these four hours, there are at least 50 students using the internet. Causing the internet to be as slow as molasses. (It took me hour days to download an album, i kid you not.) This makes it very hard to respond lengthy to people. I do wish, more than anything, that I could stop the clock and sit down and tell every single one of you what my days are like here. Not to mention, I have to use my afternoons for other things such as music practice, homework assignments, papers, reading, and much more. So let me just say that I am sorry if i feel distant from you right now. But to be honest, i am. Physically. So please give me grace, and be patient. And please don't take my lack of/delayed communication personally. I love you all the same. No matter how far my travels will take me.

My love for this place continues to grow, daily. But in very different ways. I'm still constantly in awe of the beauty, loving the friendships, and basking in the fact that I live in England. But now, I am starting to fall in love with what God is providing for me on a daily basis. I have never felt so hungry for knowledge, or been so amazed with God's provision. He is teaching me so much, and showing me so much. It's hard, it's scary, it's emotional, but it's beautiful.

Every day is a surprise, here at Capernwray. For example, last night I played 3 on five basketball against five scrappy Koreans, one of whom only really knows curse words in English. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard in my life. I can honestly say I never could have guessed that I would ever be put into that situation, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

I'm trying really hard to get better at piano. Really hard. I recently learned a Kanye West song on the piano. My dear friend James is kind enough to sit by me on the piano bench and provide some incredible beat-boxing. And well, i try my best to rap. Music is constantly filling the castle, and I love it. There is some really talented people here. My friend Marika and I were asked to perform for some local elderly people, a worship set here at Capernwray, and a traveling Christmas roadshow. Ha, yeah. A roadshow.
In fact, I'm quitting bible school and joining a circus. Sorry mom.

I went to Liverpool. I listened to the song Penny Lane, on Penny Lane. Yes, there were tears. I stood in Strawberry Fields. I saw all the boys childhood homes. And i went into The Cavern. It was one of the most beautiful days, ever. Ah. Praise the Lord of the Beatles. Seriously.

I'm going to Scotland this weekend. I will have lunch in the cafe that J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter in. I will be so inspired, I will probably start writing the novel, then quit the circus when i sell thousands. Yes. That's the plan...

Love always.

Just take a step back, and look around.

I am constantly surrounded by rolling green fields, sheep, the word of God, and great people.

That is my current life, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

I'm finally starting to settle in here, and feel comfortable. Every morning I wake up, and I look out my tower window, (I suppose you could say my current life is very similar to that of a Christian Princess), and I thank God that I'm here. In the midst of everything going on at home, and my family feeling further than ever, there is this sense of peace that God has given me, that I am so thankful because I really need that right now. I would normally be freaking out, but for some reason, I feel God's presence and control over all that I am worried about.

This place is a constant reminder that I am taken care of by the universe. Ah, yes. Maybe for the first time, the word "content" would be a perfect way to describe the I feel.

I went more north in England last weekend, and got to see William Wordsworth grave. That was incredible, and made me think of my dear friend Annaka, and wishing she could be a nerd with me and just stare at the ground. As I was walking the streets of the lake district, I felt like I was living poetry. Every step a took, another stanza to be written down. It's an incredible feeling to be walking around the a place that you have read poem and poem about. It makes all art so real and close. That's what all of England makes me feel like. Living poetry. It's wonderful.

The classes here continue to be wonderful. I am constantly learning new things, and being challenged. There are always questions in my head, whirling around at the speed of light. And when one finally slows down enough for me to snatch, there are 180 students just waiting to talk, or argue, about it with me. There is something wonderful about the common ground of a hunger for knowledge. It truly makes a close community. I can already tell that the people I am meeting here will be lifelong friends.

I am now going to go watch our football team play a local team for a real game. Our soccer pitch is in the middle of one of the sheep fields. It's truly wonderful. By the way, the idea the sheep are precious and cute is a total misconception. They are some of the ugliest animals I have ever seen in my life.

Here is my house. See the tallest window? That's my bedroom.

Pay my respects to grace and virtue.

I do really love this place. I live in a castle, with 180 people that are in the exact same situation as me. We all are not sure what our futures will look like, but we all want to learn more about the Lord, make friends, live in England, and try to really listen to what He is trying to say. It's nice to be surrounded by people you can relate to on things that you aren't used to being able to relate to. Not to mention the learning I am going to do at this place will be incredible. I already know that it will.

The grass here is impossibly green. It almost hurts to look at, it's so beautiful. The rolling hills, the sheep, the canal, the castle itself... all completely breathtaking. I'm so astonished daily by the beauty surrounding me. I'm so lucky to be here.

I will try to post pictures as soon as I can.

It's nice to be here, and be on my own, and be able to experience the independence that has been trying to get my attention for years. It is nice to be on my own and to truly feel like this is something that I am doing, on my own. This is currently part of my life that I chose, and I am so happy that I did. I am confident in the fact that I am supposed to be here.

Not saying that there aren't moments of loneliness in the night, that hit you like a cold sweat. Thank God for the beauty of music though. Ryan Adams feels like an old friend, and keeps me company when I need a sense of familiarity. Then there are those certain songs that make you thing of someone specifically, and it feels like you are sitting there right with them. Thank you, music.

I'll write more soon.

Ya know what's fun?
Letters....

Capernwray Hall
Carnforth
Lancashire
LA6 1AG
UK


"A culture with only one word for love is in danger of loneliness."
Just a little taste of what I'm learning.

Love.

Let's just pack up our bags, and go...

Today, I am moving to England.

I am bringing two suitcases fully equipped with my favorite items of clothing, too many scarves, a faithful teddy bear, and a pair of kelly green rain boots. I constantly glance over at the stretching zippers and wonder how long they will be able to do there job. Then I find one more thing, and unzip the suitcase, watch it let out the breathe of air it had ever so desperately been holding in, shove something else in the impossibly tight corner, and start the long process of zipping it back up again.

I hate packing. Also, I am fully aware of the fact that I will forget something. I know I will.

This last week has been one full of laughter, tears, poetry, surprises, porches, goodbyes, and freak-outs. And in the midst of all of this, I haven't once taken the time to let my brain fully comprehend the fact that I am leaving. But now, as i sit in my (moderately) clean room staring at my packed suitcases, and the items that are to be left behind, the reality of all of this seems to be sitting right by me (like he has been the entire time), and I have only just greeted him now.

Hello Reality, nice to see you. Hopefully we will get along and that soon I will be able to call you by your care-free nickname:

Adventure.

I will try to write in my blog as often as possible to keep my dear friends and family updated with my life in England. Maybe I'll post pictures, maybe not. But guaranteed, I will write of my adventures, and the lessons that I'm sure God will be teaching me the next few months.

For now, however, I will turn off my computer, place the needle on my Don Fogelberg vinyl, lay back on my floor, close my eyes, and just...... rest.


See you kids across the pond.




[I took this picture in Colorado at the beginning of this summer. I think it's a good symbol of beginnings.]

Put my heart in your hands.

I took this picture when I went to go visit my brother last year. But it didn't mean nearly as much as it does now....


Sailing has become this symbol of reckless abandon. ya know? dropping everything to follow your dream. Why aren't there as many dreamers out there anymore? I have started to notice that my closest friends are dreamers. Because someone that is apathetic, and has no motivation or passion is hard for me to be around. I can't wrap my head around someone that lives that kind of life. What is the point? I feel like i want to commit my life to checking dreams off of my list.


I want a sailboat. I feel like it will help me greatly in my journey of as a dreamer.
Who's coming with me?

It's really the most liberating feeling...

The summer is over.


And as i sit down at my computer and begin to think back on my summer, trying desperately to find a way to fish out my thoughts so you can experience them the way i did, i realize that there really isn't a possible way to describe the things i experienced this summer.

There is nothing I can say to give you the same feeling of peace, or freedom, or of genuine joy that I felt in those few glorious moments. No, nothing big happened. But my summer was filled with little moments in which i felt content. These moments are ones that I could never had thought about previously, could have never made into a dream, but once they happened, I felt as if it is what I had been waiting for all along. Like that particular moment, that I had no idea was going to happen, was exactly what I needed. When I get this feeling, I can't help but think about the love the my Creator has for me. I look at all he has done for me this summer, and it just makes me feel so taken care of, and safe. And reminds me that wherever i go, whatever decision i make, that he is there and that he is doing all of this for a reason. He gives me what i need, whether it is a car ride, a life-changing song, a good cry, a new friend, a massive storm (the kind that sort of scare you, in an exhilarating way), a new book, or just a simple conversation. There is nothing better than the feeling that the entire universe is taking care of you.
Usually, at this point, I would be stressing out about my future, trying to think of everything that could be a possible failure, so I can do the best I can to avoid it entirely. But, I feel like if I learned anything this summer, it is that I need to just chill out, and not worry.


Because everything I experience, good or bad, easy or hard, it will add to my adventure.




Or at least give me something to write about......

Maybe all we needed was a little direction.

Dear Summer,

I'm so glad to see your familiar face that i missed so badly during those cold cold months. Even though I am inclined to winter/fall apparel, nothing beats all the things that you bring me year after year. You have already provided such adventure for me and you have only begun. I can't wait to see the things you have left to show me and teach me.
I'm sitting here at camp and I'm pretty sure I'm stealing wireless from someone... I'm just not sure who. Anyway, It's one of the chilly Wisconsin days. The ones where you have to wear a sweatshirt, and maybe even put the hood up at times. (no shower necessary for a day like today...). I love days like this. I love picnic tables. And I love everyone that surrounds me on a day to day basis.
I also love when adventures are so much more than you could have ever expected. And relationships that come out of nowhere are usually the best kind. Have you ever met someone, and right away you knew that they would probably be a part of your life forever? I have. New relationships are so exciting, because you just never really know what's coming next. The thrill of something new is a feeling that can't really be compared to.
I love that sort of people that are constantly surprising you with who they are. Like, just when you think you have reached the bottom, you realize that you have only really scratched the surface of who they are.
You know what I mean?
In other news, I'm getting a stye in my eye. Awesome.
They are so awkward, and they hurt. And for some reason I get one every summer when I'm at camp.

Hey, nature loves you.

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."
-Khalil Gibran

Maybe I think more clearly in the morning.

When I woke up this morning, I did not rush to begin my routinely frantic process of getting ready. I simply turned on my back, and stared at my ceiling. I wasn't ready for the day to begin just yet. The fifth of May holds dark memories and I wasn't ready to remember them. The memories were quickly ushered in, however, by the third sounding of the alarm.

I rolled out of bed, put on my favorite sweater, and pinned my bangs back. (I only pin my bangs back on bad days). As I trudged down the stairs, five minutes behind schedule, mind you, I accepted, and embraced, the fact that I was going to be late for class. The natural inclination for normal human beings that are running late would be to start to rush. Mine, however, was to sit down at my piano and play through the single song I know by heart. When I played the last note, my fingers made their way back to the first note of the song, and started to play through it again.

I glanced up at the clock and it seemed to be screaming, "Now you are really going to be late, Hurry up!" But I ignored my impatient friend and delicately grabbed my keys, checked to make sure all the lights were off, and walk out the door. As the garage door began to crawl up, it started to reveal the thickest layer of fog I have seen since moving from Indiana.(they used to cancel school due to fog). It seemed to completely swallow everything around me. The world consisted of my driveway, and that was it. I found myself so paralyzed from the beauty, I ignored the jingling of my keys as they dropped from my hand onto the pavement.

I managed to regain my composure, and continued the journey to my car. As I turned the key, I realized that I was breathing heavily, and deeply. I'm not really sure why. I put my car in reverse and began to back-up, blindly. I couldn't see anything, until it was almost ten feet in front of me. Sure, I was a little scared, but I was also excited. This ever-so-familiar journey was transformed into this mysterious adventure. There is something so exhilarating about not knowing what is coming next.

The beauty of the unknown.

I reached for my volume dial and turned the Live at Olympia Theatre version of Oh My Sweet Carolina (accompanied with a harmonica piece that will melt you soul), up to an impossible volume.

I can honestly say that it was one of the most beautiful six and a half minutes I've ever experienced. I felt content, I felt free, I felt lost (the good kind), I felt alive.

Then, I made the dreaded left turn into the parking lot. This indescribable feeling being rudely and abruptly interrupted by the jolt of the speed bump passing under my tires. As I pulled into my parking spot, I glanced into my rear view mirror and saw that my bangs were pinned back.

And I remembered it was May 5th.

I know it looks like I'm paying attetion.

When I enter my class, I strategically sit in the back. I pull out my Calculus book, and prop it on my lap. And then, ever so quietly, I grab whatever novel I'm reading and place it skillfully behind my text book. This not only gives the illusion that I'm intently studying, but also that I'm extremely interested in Calculus. (A secret?- I'm not.) Anyway, I'm reading this book by Mother Theresa right now. Talk about inspiration. I mean, the way she writes is so real. Everything just comes to her, and she just understands. She just, gets it. And here's the thing that really made me respect her... I'm sure when you think of Momma T, you think of this strong, courageous, humble woman. It's really hard to think of any other words when it come to her. But the way she starts off her book, "No Greater Love", is a simple sentence:
"I don't think there as anyone that needs God's help and grace as much as I do. Sometimes I feel so helpless and weak."
Wow, Momma T, that is what I call honesty. I mean, the woman is a saint, and here she is saying that she is weak. If she is weak, than I don't know what the hell I am.
Am I making things more complicated than they really are?
Probably.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm making some really big decisions for myself. Although this feels to freeing, and wonderful, I can't help but struggle with this balance of taking care of one's self, and selfishness.
Do you know what I'm saying?

May is going to be an interesting month. Chatting with a friend the other day, I decided that life would be wonderful if all the goods things cost one dollar and sixty four cents.-Not just drip coffee and cream cheese muffins.
Why did I tell you guys this?
I don't know.

I'm excited to explore. I'm excited to not know anyone. So soon. (a secret?- I'm also sort of scared...)

I just want to be a wild traveler.
And I still want a sailboat.

This blog has become such a ridiculous emotional rant.
I should probably start sharing links like everyone else.


I took this picture a long time ago, but I've always like this tree.


The Escape:

Just sit back and laugh.

So lately, I have been laughing out loud at things that I see. Even when I'm by myself. Yes, I realize that this is probably a sign of my oncoming insanity, but i sort of enjoy it.
For example, I thought I saw someone smoking a cigarette at John Brown No Tobacco University today in the middle of campus, and I just started laughing out loud as I strolled to class. I mean, I was mistaken.. but still, just the though made me chuckle. Now I realize some of you might read this observation as a silly mistake of an extremely harmful act. But man, I thought it was hilarious.
I feel like a spent all of last semester frowning. I mean, it was probably one of the hardest semesters of my life, and I never took time to smile or laugh, except on rare occasions. But now that I find myself smirking at even the smallest things, it has just made me a generally happier person.
Also, I think that my dad's sense of humor is becoming increasingly wittier as the years go by and I appreciate it so much. Really. It's made our relationship so much closer. He's becoming one of my best friends. All we need is to sit on the back porch, an ice cold beer for him, and a cup of steaming coffee for me, and a little bit of Cat Stevens, and we could be completely content.

I really want:
a sail boat.
a rocking chair that squeaks.
peace.
the ability to play the violin.
artistic ability.
and a pen pal. (any takers?)


Alright kids, make yourself laugh...

so, call me crazy. please.

it's such a nice thing to take a break from this ongoing and antagonizingly familiar routine of life. spring break most likely saved me. and i mean this quite literally.

lately, i've begun to just lose so much hope in humanity. i am constantly exhausted with these unanswered questions swirling around in my head that yearn to be answered. i feel like i'm trying so hard to learn. learn more about what it means to love out loud. and to live a life that is worthy
but it can be an entirely lonely feeling.

it's people like wendell berry, however, that give me hope.
hope that all is not lost.
hope that some people just understand.
hope that people are still madly in love with nature.
hope that people still have motivation.
hope that people still want to shake up the lives of their comfortable friends.
hope that people still have a clever sense of humor.
hope that people still care.
hope that people still love poetry.
and hope that people still yearn to be in the peace of the wild things.

this piece has been one that has been read over and over again for awhile now...

The Contrariness of the Mad Farmer

I am done with apologies. If contrariness is my
inheritance and destiny, so be it. If it is my mission
to go in at exits and come out at entrances, so be it.
I have planted by the stars in defiance of the experts,
and tilled somewhat by incantation and by singing,
and reaped, as I knew, by luck and Heaven's favor,
in spite of the best advice. If I have been caught
so often laughing at funerals, that was because
I knew the dead were already slipping away,
preparing for a comeback, and can I help it?
And if at weddings I have gritted and gnashed
my teeth, it was because I knew where the bridegroom
had sunk his manhood, and knew it would not
be resurrected by a piece of cake. "Dance" they told me
and I stood still, and while they stood
quiet in line at the gate of the Kingdom, I danced.
"Pray" they said, and I laughed, covering myself
in the earth's brightnesses, and then stole off gray
into the midst of a revel, and prayed like an orphan.
When they said "I know that my Redeemer liveth,"
I told them "He's dead." And when they told me
"God is dead," I answered "He goes fishing every day
in the Kentucky River. I see Him often."
When they asked me would I like to contribute
I said no, and when they had collected
more than they needed, I gave them as much as I had.
When they asked me to join them I wouldn't
and then went off by myself and did more
than they would have asked. "Well, then" they said
"go and organize the International Brotherhood
of Contraries," I said "Did you finish killing
everybody who was against peace?" So be it.
Going against men, I have heard at times a deep harmony
thrumming in the mixture, and when they ask me what
I say I don't know. It is not the only or the easiest
way to come to the truth. It is one way.
-Wendell Berry.


I realize that this pathetic blog is really just a redundancy of anaphoras, wendell berry, talk of nature and of my own insanity, and ranting. but for those of you that still read this.
Thanks.

post-rain lighting is the best...

Let the wind dance across your face, and just breathe in.

There is nothing more frustrating in this world than attempting to have a conversation with a close-minded person. Yes, I have my opinons. Yes, they are stong ones. But please, oh please, just know what you are talking about. That is all I ask. If we are having a conversation about something that we totally disagree on, and I see that you have your opinion because that is what you truly believe, than more power to you. But please, don't tell me I am wrong, judgemental, or stupid when you don't even know what I'm talking about. [I know that I'm going on a ridiculous rant right now, but man... it's been quite the week, so just hear me out.] Having an argument for argument's sake is completely pointless and will never accomplish anything. I want people to have their own opinions.
But please, oh please, create them on your own. After you have learned about that subject, and formed an educated opinion.

As humans, i believe we are called to be informed individuals.

Ignorance is not bliss.

We are called to feel passionate about things. We are called to be constantly learning. We are called to have opinions. We are even called to disagree with one another. And it's so nice to disagree with someone, while still maintaining that common ground of humanity. That is what we call an intelligent conversation.
Those kinds are the kinds that water my soul.

[I promise, my ranting serves a purpose]

So, after a week of these ignorant opinions, pointless conversations, frustrating arguments, bad grades, bad coffee, bad hair, and a broken earring... I was about to lose my mind.

Right as I felt it slipping away, I was saved.
A good conversation, two beautiful friends, an encouraging email, the wind blowing in my face, a creek, lots of laughter, fake sporting events, and rod stewart is all it took to get me back on my feet.

And I realized. I need to stop letting these little things get to me. It's simply a waste of time. And I hate wasting things. [mostly time and paper..]





Please fill my ears with the sweet sound of summer.

Maybe, for that one moment.

I think about the future.
Way too much.
I strive to be a person that lives in the moment.
One that takes full advantage of opportunities.
One that is constantly amazed by nature.
One that finds beauty in simplicity.
One that is baffled by the complex.
One that appreciates.
One that loves all. Always.
One that seeks.
One that is never satisfied.

This new leaf of mine is so close to turning, and I am oh so ready for it. I know it will be great.
But for now, I will be patient [no matter how hard].
And I will be a bride married to amazement. [mary oliver, read her. love her. read her again.]


And I won't look back.

[except for you.]

If you just close your eyes and listen, you will hear it too.

Get on 412
Continue on 412
Turn right on Henri De Tonti Rd.
Turn left on Kelly Ave.

Since second grade, I have been making the trip to Springdale to see my father every other weekend, and once during the week. This is a trip that I have made countless times-literally. As the years have gone, the trip has varied. My dad picking us up, all three of us scooting into his car, throwing our suitcases in the back. Zac getting his license and his lovely white jetta, we made the trip on 412 arguing over music choice and seating arrangement. Zac moved, Christian got his license, thus creating bonding time for us siblings. Long conversations about life, or short ones about music. Now, being the only kid left, I make this familiar journey alone. No siblings, just me and my ipod. During these trips, I can't help but think about my brothers, and my childhood. It is truly sad when you see your childhood slipping away. You realize how far those memories really are. You look to your right and see that no one is sitting in your passenger seat, and that you too will no longer be taking this trip. Weird.

One thing that hasn't changed about this trip is the directions. The directions have stayed ever-so-constant throughout my entire Arkansas existence.
So one night, when I was drivng home from my father's...

I turned.

Yes, that's right. After years and years of going the exact same direction to the exact same destination, I turned.

It was this little country road.
Was I scared?-Maybe
Or maybe the feeling that I was feeling deep down was excitement, danger even.
For the first time, I was somewhere unknown-sort of- and i was by myself.
It was exhilarating.
As the road winded through pastures and little country yards, I started thinking.
Yes, those old memories are good. They are safe.
They aren't sad. They are good. And now I get to make more memories, and I know that I have an exciting future ahead of me.
Change is dangerous, but it is exciting.

Change something.
Even if it means that all you need to do is turn.

Listen for the building of the strings.

I want to live a life a reckless abandon.
I want to realize the reality of redemption.
I want to live a life that is unconscious to myself.
I want to be a servent.
I want to live a deliberate life.

These are all things that i desperately yearn for. These things are also things that I don't do a very good job at. In this last semester, I would like to re-organize my priorities and try to live for Him, and not for myself.

I have spent the last week with zero power. Although I spent plent of time complaining about every moment, I honestly loved every second. I loved that my phone was out of battery, I loved that I couldn't check my email, and I loved that I was using candlelight to illuminate my room. Everything looks better in candlelight. It's incredible how connected we all are by means of electricity, and how unconnected we all are without it. Does this mean we are even truly connected anyway? I find it a bit ironic. It was a true adventure to figure out how to make coffee with my mom, the way the pioneers did. So what if it had some grounds left in it.... It was a perfect cup of coffee. Everything tastes better when you work for it. It was really great to be with my mom for those few days. She didn't care that my bangs were entirely greasy, or that I had been wearing t-shirt/sweatpants combo for the past 4 days. She cared about how I was. I love that woman.

There is nothing like listening to a song that starts off so subtle, and slowly builds, until it hits you in the face with it's beauty. Sometime it brings tears to my eyes.

Maybe it's not that big of a deal.

When I am reading poetry, I always feel like I am reading something forbidden. I always am glancing over my shoulders to make sure no one knows that I am really just reading a stolen diary. But then I remember that it is, in fact, a published collection of thoughts for the world to see.
I mean, when you think about it, poetry is simply the result of living. Everday we are constantly living an art form. Everything we do, think, and see is, in some way, poetic.

So, I guess you could say we are all poets. Some of us just choose to write it down.


Why can't I just be happy that you are happy?
Dysfunctional are my relationships of late.