Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Steady now.

It's gotten to the point where every post that I write starts off with on apology for why I haven't written in ages. Maybe I will skip that this time.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn't tried plenty of times to write a new entry. I mean, it's been the longest I think that i've ever gone. Let's just say that consistency is not one of the things I pride myself on. But, besides my avoidance of routine, I think that there was a weird fear in what I was attempting to write. I don't live in England anymore, I'm not transitioning to a new place. I read books in Indiana. I think I let thoughts of insecurity creep in. And every time I started to write a new blog, I had myself talked out of it before I was finished, because I feel like I really didn't have anything worth saying.

Maybe this is a result of things going on in my life, maybe it was a result of reading too many blogs of people much cooler than myself. However, at this moment, I am coming back to this that I love so much. On a night where I have an outrageous amount of things to do, a check-list(figuratively, of course- we all know that organization is another thing I find no pride in) a hundred miles long, but this is what seems important to me right now, and I have to catch the moment before I lose it.

I'm in a play again. It was a funny series of events that led me to the audition, but I went. And I got a part. I am happier than I thought I was going to be, to be honest. Going into the audition, i felt like a attached a lot of symbolic meaning to walking into the audition. (What else is new.) And, no, I don't mean self worth when I say "symbolic meaning."(Promise.) I think that it just made me really think so much about this whole idea of being taken at face value. Walking on a stage with a giant light, standing in front of extremely intimidating human beings and reading off of a piece of paper in a pathetic attempt to prove that you can portray some sort of original emotion. It's a weird thing. And a terrifying thing. And in those few moments, we have to show ourselves, while representing a different character. It seems so paradoxical, and... impossible.

 Now comes the time in the blog where I make this mean something different. Blah blah blah.

 That night, after the audition, I kept thinking what an impossible thing it is to show who you are in such a small amount of time.I found myself getting angry and feeling so unjustly treated. But then I realized that, like always, in my anger, I was being selfish. I realized that the more deeply rooted I was in myself, the more I could explore the freedom of my character. The more I let my insecurity take over, the more bound I was to it.

You know the people in your life that are free. You can see them, and you can feel the grace in their dance, the easiness in their words. When we are rooted in Christ, we are able to experience the freedom of what it means to be His children. We are not bound by ourselves. The simple and most beautiful fact of the love of God is the it chooses us. It reaches out to us, and we are not bound by the things we are constantly reaching out for. We are being covered in this love, and we are being set free.

Wendell Berry (I know, i know. I don't quote anyone else.) says, "When going back makes sense, you are going ahead.” I am looking back, I am recognizing the freedom that covers me, and I am ready to keep going. To keep moving forward.

Steady now.

[This day was a day that I felt free.]