The choice of joy.

I tend to forget the brightness and intensity of the sun. Especially here in England. But the past few Saturdays i have been blessed with a very bright sun. I'm beginning to appreciate this rarity, though. Because when these sunny days do come, I am just in awe of the intensity, and the majesty. A huge star, so far away, that I can feel on my face. Incredible.

I go to Africa in three days. Yes, three, which is much closer to zero than the previous numbers. I honestly can't even believe that it is almost here. This week has been a hard one. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, anxiety, and defeat have been bigger than any of my other feelings as of late. For me, there is nothing worse than the feelings of being defeated.

In the midst of all this darkness, I was reminded in the most beautiful way of the light.

We had another media fast this week as Capernwray. This really isn't hard for me, I'm fine with not checking emails, watching movies, etc. But the one that seems almost impossible is the absent of music. You don't realize how much it plays a role in your days, until you go without it. This time it seemed even harder, because i was feeling all these feelings of inadequacy, and I wanted to escape them via music. So, I felt far from home, and just... sort of crazy.

But then, I learned a lesson...

I had recently finished a journal that I have had for three years. This is what I like to call my "moments" journal. So, it's not consistent in the least. But it holds my most favorite moments from the past year. So, on prayer day, I decided to read through it. Mind you, I'm still in this sour mood. So, I grabbed my journal and attempted to decipher my writing. When I stumbled upon January 31, 2008, I read it. And then read it again, and then again. Then I just, cried.

It was an entry about joy. It was talking about how joy is a choice, not an emotion. Joy is a set of mind. So even through the darkness, we can choose to set our minds on things above. We can choose to claim the promises and truths from our Lord.

We can choose joy.

Then, I had written a quote from a friend that has experienced a kind of darkness that i've never known, and he says this,

"I do not deny the darkness, but I choose not to dwell there."


So, something I had written in my journal 3 years previous, was exactly what I needed to hear on February 18, 2010.
So funny how perfect God's timing is.

I can't wait to see what I'm going to learn in Africa. I can't wait until I see God's beauty in a whole new way. And I can't wait to tell all of you about it.

So friends, let us choose joy.
Let us not dwell in the darkness.
Let us recognize the light.
and let us dwell there.

Let's not forget to be thankful for the darkness, though. Because without the darkness, we would forget the intensity of the sun...




[This is a picture I took at Lake Windermere, on a day that the sun seemed brighter than usual.]

Let us be hopeful...

I love that this beautiful place still holds so many surprises for me. Just when I think that I know this place a little too well, I get a surprise thrown right in my face. And to be honest, I couldn't be more delighted.

This weekend, most of the students were gone for the weekend for outreach preparation purposes. There were few of us left behind to stay at the castle. And i couldn't have asked for a better gift. The sun was out all weekend. It was bright and in your face. It was beautiful. I went on adventures everyday. On friday, I walked to the old ruins up on some hills.
There are wild horses up there that come right up to you. There is also a small sheep that is convinced that he too is a wild horses that gallops around like his brothers. He has a very strong presence about him, that little sheep. He just knew he was meant for bigger things, I suppose. Good for him.
Anyway, we bared through the cold, so we could watch the sunset. It was truly magnificent. I took some of the best photos i've taken since being at school, and that makes me feel very happy.

On Saturday, I walked even further to a local pub and enjoyed dessert with some close friends. We started to walk back, and the night seemed to be one step ahead of us the whole way. The giggling, ghost-story telling, and singing came hurling to a stop. And we all noticed what was so apparently sitting to our left. We saw the moon rise. Yes, I looked and saw the most yellow half circle i have ever seen in my life. And i watched it slowly dance above the hill that it was hiding behind minutes before. Everyone was silenced and i just stared at the brightest most beautiful moon I've ever seen in my life. I felt like I was the only one there. The moon was reflecting perfectly off of the railroad tracks in front of it. And in awe of all of my Lord's glory, I felt the uncontrollable tears stream down my face.

In that moment, I felt content.
In that moment, I felt limitless and free.
In that moment, I felt hopeful.
In that moment, I felt God's presence closer than I ever have in my life.

It pains me to think that people can look at a sunrise, a sunset, a moon rise, or just simple beauty and not have someone to thank for it. I can't imagine seeing what I saw, and not being able to see my Lord's infinite glory.


See beauty, and give thanks.




[This is a picture I took on friday of my friend Jake.]

Go plant something.

I think the transition of going home for Christmas, and then coming back is so much stranger than the transition of coming to this school for the first time.

When I first got to this school, Everything was new, everything was exciting, and everything was constantly grabbing my attention. I was worried about missing something, or being torn different directions to do different things. This experience was great, and much needed. Introductions are always exciting.

However, there was something really wonderful about coming back to Capernwray. To walk into the castle and be greeted by familiar faces, to know exactly what to do, and where to go, to miss people that I had only known 3 months prior, to hear stories of Christmas break, and how much things can change in the course of three weeks, and to just, settle back in to the routine of going to school here. It's almost just a reality check to see how much i've grown.

Growth.

This is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately. The miracle of growth is so simple, it seems, but it's so magnificently beautiful. I mean, think about it...

We plant a seed in the ground.
We try to care for it. We want to give it the things that it needs, and keep it away from the things that will hurt it.
And through some sort of miracle, it begins to grow. It's beauty and potential becomes too small for the seed that contains it. It becomes so great that it bursts through and begins it's process of realizing it's full potential.
Quickly? No.
But day by day, if cared for, it gets a little bit bigger, and little bit stronger, and a little bit prettier.
And it finally blooms. And it becomes the essence of all it's beauty and potential finally executed in the most perfect way.

Yes, the final stage is the most beautiful, but it couldn't have gotten there without the process, without the growth.

So, let us burst from our seeds. Let our potential become a reality, our beauty be seen by all.
And may we find beauty in the process.

The miracle of growth.






Go plant something.
For yourself, and for your friends.
Symbolically, and literally.
Please?

twenty10.

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile. To be honest, it's probably because i haven't been able to articulate what's been going on in my head for quite some time now. But here I am, attempting to let you know what's going on.

I am so very thankful that I got to come home for the holidays. Every moment I spend with my family, I realize how thankful I am for them. I love that the term "family" seems to grow bigger and bigger with every event. Weddings, births, friendships... It's funny to look at my family now, and see people added in, and it just feels normal to have them there. And i suppose it will only grow from here. It is nice to know, however, that whoever is added in, there will always be that core group of people that you can rely on with anything. Siblings, I believe, are some of the greatest gifts that God has provided for us.

Christmas was full of joy. I was lucky enough to receive two ryan adams vinyls, an extreme coffee mug, some toms, a nice messenger bag, every single Jane Austen novel and Adobe Photoshop 8. My family knows me a little too well, i think. Gifts that are thought through, are the best kind. Although a girl can never have too many scarves...

It's a funny thing to come home, the place you've lived in for most of your life, and be a "visitor" for the first time. Yes, it's still my home, but for the first time, i can avoid people from high school, i can be amazed at the new restaurant in town, notice the pot-holes that have been filled in, be greeted with a hardy "welcome home" from my favorite coffee shop, and lay in my bed with more appreciation than ever before.... Man I love that thing.

Well, it's a new year. I think back at this time last year, and realize that these were the days in which i decided to graduate an entire year early and move to England. All in one moment. That just proves that you can never really predict the course of your life. It will constantly surprise you. We must always remember that no matter how flawless our plans seem to be, God's are always better, whether we think so or not. And thank the Lord that I'm not a Senior in high school right now, that's looking forward to PROM '10. I'm so thankful for the plan that God had for me instead.

Who knows what 2010 has in store for me, but I cannot wait to find out what it is.

I'm headed back to England in one week. I only hope that my experience this next term will be half as good as the one first term. I know the Lord has new things to teach me, and new challenges and struggles to show me. I would like to take loads more pictures and maybe try to sleep more. But then again, who wants to spend their whole life sleeping when there are adventures to have! Sleeping is a luxury.

I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, or this fall... but I'm not worried........yet.

I promise I'll do better of writing on here more. It's one of my favorite things, really.


Go outside, and bundle up. Breathe in the cold air and feel it in your lungs. Thank God for everything He has blessed you with, and use those blessings to bring Him the glory.

Love.

Every nook and cranny.

Well, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. And yes, it's quite different attempting to celebrate this holiday when you don't live in America. Especially when everyone simply knows it as the holiday in which we founded the States, and killed a ton of people. I suppose I understand why people are slightly confused that we celebrate this day. But to us Americans, it is simply a day where every single one of us wishes we were home with our family. Whatever that looks like. I will miss going around the table, and hearing what everyone is thankful for. Eating good food. Seeing all of my family together. Being with my brothers. Ya know... the whole bit. But, I do believe some of the Americans are getting together to play some American football, and eat some lukewarm turkey. Although it will be a feeble attempt to feel at home, it will indeed make me feel slightly warm inside.

I'm playing a role in the Christmas roadshow. I play a hotel receptionist with loads of attitude and a good dose of sass. It will be fun. We'll be going to six different churches in the area to perform our little bit. It will be great fun, I'm sure.

Being a member of the Social Committee here at Capernwray, I feel like I should inform you all of the recent events that have been happening here at Capernwray, as a result of me and my fellow members of the committee. We had a "Pigeon Hole Party." You see, the way we get our mail here is little cubby holes, or pigeon holes, that have one letter on them. So, we share a mailbox with everyone that shares the first letter of our surname. So the five of us on the committee decided to have each pigeon hole dress up according to a different category. (i.e. geeks, futuristic, villains, togas, caveman, super heroes, etc.) I was a zombie. So, we all came to dinner in our different outfits, we played games. And, of course, had a dance party. Or, what the kids here like to call it.... A CapernRAVE. It was a good time, for sure.

I'm almost 18. Weird.

Thank you so much for sending me mail, friends. You have no idea how wonderful it is to receive a letter. The joy i feel when i see something waiting in my pigeon hole is indescribable. So, thank you. So much.

Have I told you how much I love my roommates? I love them a lot. We are truly starting to bond up in the ole' penthouse. We are all four so different. From different parts of the world. But we just get closer and closer every day. I'm so thankful for them.

As a result of the diversity of Capernwray, there are just an incredible amount of accents. Everyone sounds so different and I love it. Even within England, they sound so different. Northern English people, and Southern English people sound totally different. It's so funny. Our lecturers have all had different crazy accents. One of Liverpool, one from South Africa, one from Russia, one from the north of England, one from the South..... And well, our lecturer this weeks LITERALLY sounds like an Ent. Yes, an Ent. From Lord of the Rings. Treebeard, to be specific. It's hilarious to hear an old tree teach you about hebrews. Ah, I can't get enough.

With the help of my incredible brother, a great book (Becoming the Answers to Our Prayers by Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Costgrove- all of you go buy it and read it...... now.), some wonderful lectures, some helpful conversations, and the Bible, have all seemed to be pointing me to the simple fact that:

Jesus is everywhere.

You can't get away from Him. What a beautiful thing. The Trinity, The Great Creator, The Son of God, and the Holy Spirit, constantly surrounding you everyday in every moment. Does that not just blow your mind? Amazing.



So, friends. Be with your family this Thanksgiving. Be thankful for diversity, for fun, for dance parties, for friends, for food, for your community, and for the consistent and incredible presence of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

Love.

The beauty of silence.

The days here are getting faster and faster. I feel as if my mind is constantly trying to catch up with me. I am trying to process the things that are happening to me, while trying to live everyday presently, and think about the future. It's exhausting, to say that least.

I miss my family. I do. I think of them often here. I think of my brothers when I go on adventures and explore new places. I think of my mom when I am tired, or sick, or want wisdom, or a shoulder to cry on, or everything really. I think of my dad when something hilarious happens, when i'm singing, or when i embarrass myself. All of these things happen on a daily basis. Therefore, making me think of my family on a daily basis. I think being away makes you appreciate them all the more. Being somewhere they have never been, that you love. It's impossible to try and describe this place, no matter how bad you want them to know.

Last week, we had an electronic fast. No computers, no phones, no ipods, etc. It was really great. The community, it seemed, was better than ever. Yes, it was hard not to check my email, not to call my mom, and no to be able to turn ryan adams on whenever I wanted to. But man, it was what every single student here really needed. Instead of listening to music, we made it. Instead of emailing, we wrote letters. Plus, I think card games are a lost art anyway.

The reason we did this electronic fast is to prepare ourselves for our all day prayer on Thursday. Instead of lectures, we just prayed. We all went off on our own and prayed. All day long. We had some songs in the morning, some more in the afternoon, and then my friend Marika and I were asked to sing for the night service. It was really an incredible day. God asked us to come to Him in the secret. Prayer is so powerful, and this place is letting me see the reality of that for the first time in my life. It's really beautiful.

On Wednesday, My name was called during morning announcements, along with the names of nine others. We were moved to the back room, and I looked at my fellow students, greeting each other with our common confused looks. Then, my RA walked back and looked at all of us. And said: "You have all been chosen to go to Kenya for the outreach next term."

Whoa. Wait.
I am?!?

Yes, I am going to Africa. Finally. I am going to go for two weeks at the end of February/beginning of March. I feel as if God is finally letting my body follow my heart. I am just out of my mind excited that he had handed my this opportunity that I feel like I have wanting this for so long, and it's finally going to happen. Yes, there are finances to raise, shots to get, prayers to be prayed, sports to be good at, and the fact that I'm slightly terrified to settle. But all of those things will fall into place, and i am not worried about any of them. Well, maybe a little about the being good at soccer thing...

I love you all.


Go play a card game...

Skittles taste different in England.

My dear friends and family,

May I please start off my entry with an annoying, yet necessary, disclaimer.
I am sincerely apologetic for my lack of necessary lengthy responses to emails, blog entires, phone calls, and message replies. I have been doing an awful job at this, and I am fully aware of my shortcomings. Let at least try to explain this to you, not that i'm trying to make excuses. Here at Capernwray, we have limited internet access. It's on for 3 hours in the afternoon, and one hour at night. during these four hours, there are at least 50 students using the internet. Causing the internet to be as slow as molasses. (It took me hour days to download an album, i kid you not.) This makes it very hard to respond lengthy to people. I do wish, more than anything, that I could stop the clock and sit down and tell every single one of you what my days are like here. Not to mention, I have to use my afternoons for other things such as music practice, homework assignments, papers, reading, and much more. So let me just say that I am sorry if i feel distant from you right now. But to be honest, i am. Physically. So please give me grace, and be patient. And please don't take my lack of/delayed communication personally. I love you all the same. No matter how far my travels will take me.

My love for this place continues to grow, daily. But in very different ways. I'm still constantly in awe of the beauty, loving the friendships, and basking in the fact that I live in England. But now, I am starting to fall in love with what God is providing for me on a daily basis. I have never felt so hungry for knowledge, or been so amazed with God's provision. He is teaching me so much, and showing me so much. It's hard, it's scary, it's emotional, but it's beautiful.

Every day is a surprise, here at Capernwray. For example, last night I played 3 on five basketball against five scrappy Koreans, one of whom only really knows curse words in English. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard in my life. I can honestly say I never could have guessed that I would ever be put into that situation, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

I'm trying really hard to get better at piano. Really hard. I recently learned a Kanye West song on the piano. My dear friend James is kind enough to sit by me on the piano bench and provide some incredible beat-boxing. And well, i try my best to rap. Music is constantly filling the castle, and I love it. There is some really talented people here. My friend Marika and I were asked to perform for some local elderly people, a worship set here at Capernwray, and a traveling Christmas roadshow. Ha, yeah. A roadshow.
In fact, I'm quitting bible school and joining a circus. Sorry mom.

I went to Liverpool. I listened to the song Penny Lane, on Penny Lane. Yes, there were tears. I stood in Strawberry Fields. I saw all the boys childhood homes. And i went into The Cavern. It was one of the most beautiful days, ever. Ah. Praise the Lord of the Beatles. Seriously.

I'm going to Scotland this weekend. I will have lunch in the cafe that J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter in. I will be so inspired, I will probably start writing the novel, then quit the circus when i sell thousands. Yes. That's the plan...

Love always.