The Recital of Events.

I've been working on a new blog for awhile now, and today, when I came back to work on it some more, I read it... changed some things... read it again... and then deleted it.

Today, I was reminded of why it is that I love to write.
I just want to tell a story. A story of significance. A story of honesty.
I want to be able to string together my day to day beings, struggles, and interactions in an eloquent way. And when all of these anecdotes make their long journey to articulation, I pray that they will point somewhere else entirely. I pray that they would point to the One who is really stringing all these things together.

I want to help someone. Not for the sake of myself, but for the sake of my God.

I am just so wildly in love with the stories of these other beings that are living around me. When I see someone, I just wonder who they are. Why they are where they are. Everyone is a story. A beautiful one.

We are stories of redemption, of adventure, of heartache, of epic success, and epic failure. Stories of love, of loss, of friendships, and of music.

The greatest things I've learned about life, love, and other mysteries (Point of Grace reference?- Absolutely.), have been from the stories of other people. Honest ones. Honesty, I believe, is the greatest teacher. It's when we all step down from our pedestals, and we realize that we are so fortunate to be creatures that experience grace. It's when we let our human struggles show, for the sake of the representation of the goodness of God. The sharing of stories is so important. Really.

It's just the brave ones who choose to write it down.

Today, this is my story:

God is good, and today I was reminded in so many different ways. Through the Swell Season's album Strict Joy (this album is beautiful in 100 different ways, it makes your heart speed up, and slow down, and gives you goosebumps at all the right times. These heartbreaking lyrics will remind you how to feel.), the smile of a familiar face, the inspiration of an unexpected conversation with an acquaintance, the keys of the piano, and the perfect breeze slightly blowing across campus.

Somedays, nothing can make you feel more alive than the wind kissing your cheeks and dancing across your eyelids.

So, my honest friends, go and live.
and may the story of your life burn brightly as you go.


(and also listen to Strict Joy. I promise you won't regret it.)

Momentary modulations.

Well, here I am. At college. And, after a week of surprising loneliness, awkward introductory conversations, creating new and beautiful friendships, and trying to remember how to study for things, I am finally feeling a sense of comfort. Ryan Adams is usually always playing through my speakers and all my pictures and ceramic bowls are choicely placed around my closet-like area in a poor attempt to make this feel like a temporary home (Why does Ryan Adams make me feel like I'm home...? I don't know. But it does.) Desk lamps, dried flowers, and carefully selected trinkets are what keeps me company in my small area- And I'm completely fine with that.

My transition to Taylor has been an interesting one, to say the least. (here we go again, kinsley... talking about transitions. what's new....) It's not at all what I expected. Going to Capernwray was indeed a leap of faith, but I was thrown into a room of people just like me. People ready and waiting for an adventure. People that were ready to meet strangers. And people that desperately wanted to be like Jesus. Coming to Taylor feels much like showing up late for a party.... a party full of strangers. A lot of strangers. Now, please understand that these strangers are some of the most lovely and kind and welcoming people in the world. And God has blessed me with a few very wonderful people that I care about a lot and couldn't imagine being here without. But still, this is unlike any of the adventures that I've experience before. I think I might be growing up, or something...

In a song, the key changes, and in this momentary modulation, we feel something. Whether this transition is slow and soft, or fast and chaotic, it gives us a feeling of excitement, and of progress. We can feel the song continuing and it makes our heart beat a little faster than before.. It becomes a part of us, even just for those few precious moments. And when the song ends, we are able to admire and dwell in it's completeness.

Right now, I can feel my life changing and transitioning at what feels like a rapid pace. And, like a song, with each key change, I get a bit more excited and a bit more scared.

But I am so joyful. More joyful than I have felt in a long time. God is showing me His love in brand new ways. He is showing me through loneliness, through a simple poem, through a certain prayer, through new friendships, through old ones, through the piano, through distance, through a certain someone that looks me right in the eye, through professors, through the life of living in a painfully small town, and through the knowledge that I am a beautiful, forgiven creation of God.


Let us remember to experience these momentary modulations with joy.
Let us remember that we are constantly transitioning, growing, and learning.
and Let us remember that we are not alone.



[Lately, I have been thinking so much about my short time in Edinburgh, Scotland. This picture is one of the most peaceful pictures I've ever taken and reminds me of how badly I would like to return to this beautiful city...(one day.)]

Sure.

It's hard to believe that this summer is over. It seems like only yesterday that it began. When I think back on this season of humid weather and trips to the lake, I feel like it's flown by, but I also feel like a lifetime of memories were made. So many joyful moments, packed into a few precious months. Scenes of two sets of feet balancing off of the most perfect pier in all the world, emergency runs to mcdonalds for ice cream way more delicious than half a dollar, old friendships becoming older and stronger, and new ones becoming more than i could have ever imagined.

It was a challenging summer, but a wonderful one all the same. Sometimes I have to press the pause button on my life, take a few steps back, and realize how blessed I am. How fortunate I am to be given these beautiful opportunities in life.

I strongly believe that these opportunities were given to me by God. I do. But I also believe that it was my choice to take them or not. This whole, "taking advantage of opportunities" thing is new for me. Because, well, it's sort of terrifying. Actually, it's really terrifying. It's human nature to want to control things. I mean, it's the reason there are rules in classrooms and pedals on bikes. Some people are attracted to the unknown, but there is still a speck of terror. But, this is what I've realized: even though the results are unknown, I have no reason to be scared. God is in everything. He is in every result. He is in every opportunity, even the ones I choose not to take. And if i truly believe that, than fearing the unknown is pointless. So, I will realize that God is faithful, and live accordingly.

I will see the unknown as beautiful and exciting.

I realize that this will not be easy. But it's something that I desperately want to work for. Especially now.

So, friends, let us not hesitate, but leap into the unknown...

Pack up your bags and move to a castle in the middle of rural England.
Let a boy hold your hand.
Get lost, just because.
Look at the stars for so long that your eyes hurt.
Stay out past curfew.
Surprise a friend.
Say yes.

and dwell in the peace that comes from the acknowledgement that the entire universe is taking care of you.



[I'm moving to a new place soon. And I'm trying to leap... but it's sort of hard.]

Look up.

I have spent the last few days in Lake Tahoe along with my family. This little trip has been restful in every way possible. Simply having time to sit down and be with my family.

Lake Tahoe is beautiful. The clearest most blue body of water I've ever seen. It's breathtaking.

My family is so wonderful. The most wonderful people I know. As I get older, I realize more and more how precious and important it is to spend time with each other and just, listen, laugh, learn, and love.

This wonderful, but short trip, however, has come to an end. And here I am.... on yet another plane...

Planes can be frustrating. Delays, re-routes, cancellations, a loud or obnoxious seat partner.... the potential things to complain about are endless. I was on a plane today, and just about all of the previous things had happened to me, not to mention I was extremely hungry. I was sitting there on the plane, my eyes to tired to read, but not tired enough to sleep. I know we were starting our descend, and I just kept thinking, "you're almost there, this is almost over, you get to stand up soon, and get off of this airplane." Then, in an act of pure desperation, i lifted up the window covering hoping for at least one cloud to stare at.

Little did I know that this cheap, plastic window shade was the gate to the one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

I was flying in the middle of a sunset. The clouds around me were impossibly orange, and the rest of the sky on fire with the rays of the sun. It seemed to cover everything in sight. My mind emptied of absolutely everything, and I just stared out the window upon what seemed like a flame-licked kingdom. The warm tears streamed down my face representing all the words I couldn't say.

I glanced around me to see if anyone else was moved by the masterpiece surrounding us. I was sad to see all the drooling men, annoyed women, distracted children, and angry flight attendants. All the glory, this majesty, this beauty, going completely unnoticed. And then I realized,

This is not about them.

Right now, in this moment, this is about me, and my Creator. He is telling me He loves me and I need to accept it, and be grateful from the very bottom of my soul.

I can choose to notice this beauty and accept this kind of love each and everyday. Whether it be through the sunsets, the laughter of my brother, the wisdom of my grandfather, the clearness of a lake, or in the comfort if knowing that I am beloved.



Let us look up, and see the love that is waiting for us...

Responsibly hospitable.

I know that people who have blogs update them often. Little musings about how their week is going, the things they are thinking about, the projects they are working on. The reason there is such a large amount of time between blogs, is because it takes me this long to reach into the swirling vortex that is my brain and fish out one of the thousands of thoughts catching speed as the spin spin spin around in my head. When I catch hold of this thought, I then attempt to articulate the best I can... Which is not always an easy task.... especially when you are crazy.

I feel like I have learned so much since my last blog, which makes this even harder to write, because I'm not even sure where to begin. There have been a few words that have really seem to come up several times in the last month. So most of my thoughts, as of late, have been centered around these words.
What are these words?

Hospitality.
Responsibility.
Selflessness.

When I think of the word responsibility, my mind automatically travels back to the list of chores I did when I was a kid. I see a checklist. I see specific things that I have to do, even if just for the sake of crossing it off a list. I don't remember feelings of joy, or of servanthood. I feel obligation. I can hear the authoritative tone in my mother's voice.
I don't like that this is my connotation for this word. I need to redefine this word in my life. I need to think past the feeling of clenching teeth, and I need to have an open mind.
I want this word to be one that directly makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. I want to know Jesus so well that it becomes a responsiblity for me to follow him so closely, that it's hard for people to tell a difference.

But not just any responsibility....

...... a joyful one.

One that will only make me smile. One that will make me excited.

One that I will never be able to cross off of any list, but one that I will be constantly working towards.

I was to be joyfully responsible.

Now, I think this word ties in perfectly with the next two.

In the journey to become more like Jesus. I want to be selfless, and unbelievably hospitable. I want to be a kind of person that you unashamedly ask to do things for you, with complete confidence in the fact that I will say yes. And I want to do it joyfully.

Last week, I was given a perfect example of this lifestyle. I perfect symbol of Jesus, hospitality, responsibility, and selflessness. It was this couple of precious days that finally allowed the process of reaching into my brain feel safe....

In some of the best solitude hours I've ever spent in my life, I drove up to Chicago all by myself. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I sang, I stared... It was great.

I was warmly welcomed into the cutest apartment I've ever walked into in my life. Quotes and pictures and books and laughter and trains and organic lemonade and music and crafts filled the home. I automatically felt like I belonged there.
These unique decorations and crazy amount of books are not even what made the apartment so special. It was the couple that occupied it.

These two individuals were a home. They are unashamedly in love, and they don't care who knows it. The common knowledge of their mutual love for one another seems like common sense. It seems like it is just a universal truth that they are together.
Simply put... they love each other more than they love themselves, and they do so loudly, and obviously. And that's it guys.... that's like Jesus. They are Jesus to one another. And to everyone else they meet.

I am so thankful that I spend these two wonderful days with these people. I feel like the peace and love that I had been praying to feel, that seemed to far away, was finally shown to me in the most unlikely situation.




So friends.

Let us be Jesus to one another.
Let us be selfless.
Let us be responsible.
Let us be hospitable.





[What is it about strawberries that scream summertime?]

Set yourself free.

Airports are the strangest places. A place, set apart for everyone to meet up, so they can go somewhere else. Everyone is leaving, or coming. Goodbyes, homecomings, everything. Thousands of people wanting to go somewhere else. I feel like I have spent more time in airports this year than I ever have in my whole life. Going different places all over the world. And every time I am in one, all I can think about is everyone else's story. Why are they flying to Tuscan, Arizona at 9:00 am on a Wednesday morning? What on earth is making them go to Ft Wayne, IN on a thursday night? Why are they alone? Who is going to pick them up when they land? Who is on their mind? Are they excited to go? Or are they dreading it?

This year, I have found an extreme fascination with people's stories. Why they do the things they do, what events in their life has shaped them? What is their family like?

Stories. That's all people are, anyway.

We are all the result of the things, places, people, and events that have happened in our lives. No one, absolutely no one, you can take at face value.

Our lives become a series of embracing and avoiding certain parts of our stories and living within the balance of that. The good, the bad, the ugly, all play a crucial role in our lives.

Some of the things that happen to us are inevitable. Things we have no control over. I mean, what is a story without a twist, anyway? Unfortunately, trust is a risky business. We cannot control the humans that we are in relationships with in life. Every individual make their own decisions, which effects the people around them. There are times when I feel so helpless. I feel that no matter what I do, not matter how much I guard my heart, or open it, no matter how careful I am, something that is out of my control comes swooping in to screw it all up. And it is those sudden inevitable things that make you experience the kind of hurt that you feel in the pit of your stomach.

Here is the great thing though...
Amidst this crazy uncontrollable life that we all live, there is something we can cling to.
Our reactions.
We have this awesome power to twist the story back around. To surprise the reader in reacting to the inevitable twists with love, and character. We have the power to embrace the unwanted edits in our story, and make them the most beautiful parts. We have the power to change ourselves.
Once we cling to this truth, once we drop the expectations of life that we have, we are allowed to feel a freedom like no other.

The greatest woman in my life shared this quote with my recently, and it's change the way I live my everyday life:

"Everything in life falls into three different categories:
Things we can change,
things we can influence.
and things we can do nothing about.

We spend most of out emotional energy on things we can do nothing about.
We always underestimate the things we can influence.
And the only thing we can change is ourselves."


So friends,

Let us recognize the inevitable. But, don't let us dwell there.
Let us embrace everything we influence, and turn it into light.
and let us understand that change can only come from within.





......so about that next chapter...

The reality of Neverland.

Throughout my adventures of the past six months, I was able to spend the last week doing a bit of traveling. I was down in London, and my friends and I were determined to find the Peter Pan statue in the Kensington Gardens. We looked far and wide, and right as the excitement was at it's peak, we turned the corner... and there he was.

Peter Pan, the boy who would not grow up.



Now Peter Pan is a classic character from our childhood. A story that we all know, love, and adore. When I watch it, it just makes me want to go exploring, and forget all my responsibilities. I want to run through the forests, live in a treehouse, sword-fight with pirates, and hang out with mermaids. What is it, besides these previously named adventures, that draws me to Peter so much? Why is it that a life of staying young, remaining irresponsible, and never growing up seem so appealing?

I think the reason I cling to this story so dearly, is because I am scared. Scared of growing up.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Peter. I think he teaches us what it truly means to be joyful. Ya know, the kind of joy you feel in the pit of your stomach, and the bottom of your heart. I also think Peter teaches us courage.
There is something so beautiful about the fearlessness of a child.

So, something to keep in mind is this:
We are never to old to sword-fight a pirate.

Anyway, if you remember the story of Peter Pan, you will recall that his relationship with Wendy was not always perfect. And the flaws in this relationship were always rooted in the argument of whether or not to grow up. Peter never wanted to grow up, and Wendy did.

But here is my point. Even though Wendy grew up... She still went to Neverland.

Now, I believe that Wendy's trip to Neverland changed her life. She learned things there that she could have never learned in the real world. She learned courage, and she learned the value of keeping the good things about being a kid.

But, the things we learn aren't real, until they are applied.

We aren't "changed" people, until we take the things we learn, and apply them to our life. We can sit down and be taught something, but until we do it ourselves, we haven't learned anything.
Think about when you learned how to tie your shoe. The teacher showed you a thousand times. But you can't say, "I know how to tie my shoe" until you do it yourself.

Now, it's obvious that the trip to Neverland is absolutely necessary. I mean, if it wasn't for Neverland, Wendy would have been the person she is today. But, Neverland is only a chapter of her story.

I think I view my time at Capernwray as a sort of "Neverland" experience. I had the best times of my life. I learned the biggest lessons, and made some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I would not be the same person right now, If i didn't go to Capernwray. But it is now the point in my story where I apply the things I learn. I make those things my reality. I become the changed person that I think I am. I make my Neverland a reality.

I think this principle also greatly applies to our faith. It is one things to believe in a God, and it is something else entirely to follow a Saviour. No, I am not preaching grace by works in the least. But I am saying that nothing is real until we apply it. So, you may believe in God, but is it real? Are you acting like it? Have you taken what you've learned and applied it to you life? Or are you still in Neverland?

So, my friends.

Let us find and appreciate our Neverlands.
Let us see all the beauty we can there.
Let us learn unique lessons.
and then, Let us bring them home with us.
Let us apply them to our life.
Let us be the people that we have the potential of being.
Let us be Wendy, and Peter.


Let us make our Neverlands a reality.