Set yourself free.

Airports are the strangest places. A place, set apart for everyone to meet up, so they can go somewhere else. Everyone is leaving, or coming. Goodbyes, homecomings, everything. Thousands of people wanting to go somewhere else. I feel like I have spent more time in airports this year than I ever have in my whole life. Going different places all over the world. And every time I am in one, all I can think about is everyone else's story. Why are they flying to Tuscan, Arizona at 9:00 am on a Wednesday morning? What on earth is making them go to Ft Wayne, IN on a thursday night? Why are they alone? Who is going to pick them up when they land? Who is on their mind? Are they excited to go? Or are they dreading it?

This year, I have found an extreme fascination with people's stories. Why they do the things they do, what events in their life has shaped them? What is their family like?

Stories. That's all people are, anyway.

We are all the result of the things, places, people, and events that have happened in our lives. No one, absolutely no one, you can take at face value.

Our lives become a series of embracing and avoiding certain parts of our stories and living within the balance of that. The good, the bad, the ugly, all play a crucial role in our lives.

Some of the things that happen to us are inevitable. Things we have no control over. I mean, what is a story without a twist, anyway? Unfortunately, trust is a risky business. We cannot control the humans that we are in relationships with in life. Every individual make their own decisions, which effects the people around them. There are times when I feel so helpless. I feel that no matter what I do, not matter how much I guard my heart, or open it, no matter how careful I am, something that is out of my control comes swooping in to screw it all up. And it is those sudden inevitable things that make you experience the kind of hurt that you feel in the pit of your stomach.

Here is the great thing though...
Amidst this crazy uncontrollable life that we all live, there is something we can cling to.
Our reactions.
We have this awesome power to twist the story back around. To surprise the reader in reacting to the inevitable twists with love, and character. We have the power to embrace the unwanted edits in our story, and make them the most beautiful parts. We have the power to change ourselves.
Once we cling to this truth, once we drop the expectations of life that we have, we are allowed to feel a freedom like no other.

The greatest woman in my life shared this quote with my recently, and it's change the way I live my everyday life:

"Everything in life falls into three different categories:
Things we can change,
things we can influence.
and things we can do nothing about.

We spend most of out emotional energy on things we can do nothing about.
We always underestimate the things we can influence.
And the only thing we can change is ourselves."


So friends,

Let us recognize the inevitable. But, don't let us dwell there.
Let us embrace everything we influence, and turn it into light.
and let us understand that change can only come from within.





......so about that next chapter...

The reality of Neverland.

Throughout my adventures of the past six months, I was able to spend the last week doing a bit of traveling. I was down in London, and my friends and I were determined to find the Peter Pan statue in the Kensington Gardens. We looked far and wide, and right as the excitement was at it's peak, we turned the corner... and there he was.

Peter Pan, the boy who would not grow up.



Now Peter Pan is a classic character from our childhood. A story that we all know, love, and adore. When I watch it, it just makes me want to go exploring, and forget all my responsibilities. I want to run through the forests, live in a treehouse, sword-fight with pirates, and hang out with mermaids. What is it, besides these previously named adventures, that draws me to Peter so much? Why is it that a life of staying young, remaining irresponsible, and never growing up seem so appealing?

I think the reason I cling to this story so dearly, is because I am scared. Scared of growing up.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Peter. I think he teaches us what it truly means to be joyful. Ya know, the kind of joy you feel in the pit of your stomach, and the bottom of your heart. I also think Peter teaches us courage.
There is something so beautiful about the fearlessness of a child.

So, something to keep in mind is this:
We are never to old to sword-fight a pirate.

Anyway, if you remember the story of Peter Pan, you will recall that his relationship with Wendy was not always perfect. And the flaws in this relationship were always rooted in the argument of whether or not to grow up. Peter never wanted to grow up, and Wendy did.

But here is my point. Even though Wendy grew up... She still went to Neverland.

Now, I believe that Wendy's trip to Neverland changed her life. She learned things there that she could have never learned in the real world. She learned courage, and she learned the value of keeping the good things about being a kid.

But, the things we learn aren't real, until they are applied.

We aren't "changed" people, until we take the things we learn, and apply them to our life. We can sit down and be taught something, but until we do it ourselves, we haven't learned anything.
Think about when you learned how to tie your shoe. The teacher showed you a thousand times. But you can't say, "I know how to tie my shoe" until you do it yourself.

Now, it's obvious that the trip to Neverland is absolutely necessary. I mean, if it wasn't for Neverland, Wendy would have been the person she is today. But, Neverland is only a chapter of her story.

I think I view my time at Capernwray as a sort of "Neverland" experience. I had the best times of my life. I learned the biggest lessons, and made some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I would not be the same person right now, If i didn't go to Capernwray. But it is now the point in my story where I apply the things I learn. I make those things my reality. I become the changed person that I think I am. I make my Neverland a reality.

I think this principle also greatly applies to our faith. It is one things to believe in a God, and it is something else entirely to follow a Saviour. No, I am not preaching grace by works in the least. But I am saying that nothing is real until we apply it. So, you may believe in God, but is it real? Are you acting like it? Have you taken what you've learned and applied it to you life? Or are you still in Neverland?

So, my friends.

Let us find and appreciate our Neverlands.
Let us see all the beauty we can there.
Let us learn unique lessons.
and then, Let us bring them home with us.
Let us apply them to our life.
Let us be the people that we have the potential of being.
Let us be Wendy, and Peter.


Let us make our Neverlands a reality.

Let's get together..

I must start of this blog by apologizing that I haven't written in ages. But, the last month of my life has been, what I think to be, the most influential one yet. And I needed time to process it, and truly have to time think about the things I have learned. And it is only now that I can even think about articulating it.
Since I have last blogged, I have been in five different countries. And as I slowly flip through the once blank pages of my passport, I can now see them decorated in memories. England, Dubai, Kenya, Uganda, France, America.
Whoa.

Yes, as we all know, I love to travel. I view each added stamp on my passport like a reward, a trophy of sorts. But alas, my time for traveling has been paused for awhile, and here i am at home. My time in England is done for now, and I have unknown adventures ahead of me. It is a strange feeling. but it is not a sad one.

Very recently I have witnessed the beauty of community. A group of people that are nothing alike, working together for a common goal. And by working together, I mean loving one another. I experienced a glimpse of this at Capernwray, I believe. But, to be honest, it's a bit of a community with an expiration date. But i'm talking about a real community. One that has seen you grow up, make mistakes, try to sport different fashions, leave, come back, laugh, cry.
That's the kind of community i'm talking about.

I'm talking about the church.

I, personally, have never really been able to call myself a part of a church. There is not a building that I come home to where a bunch of old people come up to me, and ask how i'm doing. I don't have a group of people asking me what i've been learning, or what is on my heart. I don't have a church driveway to have a car wash in.
I never realized how much I was missing, until I witnessed a beautiful church, and a beautiful family in the English town of Rougham. That is a small church of Jesus loving, people loving, fools. It's unbelievable to see. It was beautiful. And it makes me realize why it is absolutely crucial to one's life to have a community to fall back on.
So please, if you have one, recognize it.
If you don't, get plugged in somewhere.


I have been going, I feel from place to place for the last six months. But the past few days, I think, have been the best. Because I felt rested. I felt like I was part of a community that was genuinely interested in my well-being. I felt like I was part of a family.
And that provides a peace and a comfort like no other.


So, one can get easily caught up in the excitement of a life of travel...

But what is a tree without it's roots?

We all have a home. We all have a community. We all have family.

So please, my friends, take advantage of it.
Organize a free car wash.
Raise money for a good cause, together.
Pray for each other.
Look out for one another.
Goof around with one another.
Have a bake sale.
Or just tell your parents how much you appreciate them, by taking them out to a meal.

It's amazing how much of an impact one person can have on your life, even in the most indirect way...

Now, go bake something.



[this is a photo i took from the tippy top of the eiffel tower.]

The choice of joy.

I tend to forget the brightness and intensity of the sun. Especially here in England. But the past few Saturdays i have been blessed with a very bright sun. I'm beginning to appreciate this rarity, though. Because when these sunny days do come, I am just in awe of the intensity, and the majesty. A huge star, so far away, that I can feel on my face. Incredible.

I go to Africa in three days. Yes, three, which is much closer to zero than the previous numbers. I honestly can't even believe that it is almost here. This week has been a hard one. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, anxiety, and defeat have been bigger than any of my other feelings as of late. For me, there is nothing worse than the feelings of being defeated.

In the midst of all this darkness, I was reminded in the most beautiful way of the light.

We had another media fast this week as Capernwray. This really isn't hard for me, I'm fine with not checking emails, watching movies, etc. But the one that seems almost impossible is the absent of music. You don't realize how much it plays a role in your days, until you go without it. This time it seemed even harder, because i was feeling all these feelings of inadequacy, and I wanted to escape them via music. So, I felt far from home, and just... sort of crazy.

But then, I learned a lesson...

I had recently finished a journal that I have had for three years. This is what I like to call my "moments" journal. So, it's not consistent in the least. But it holds my most favorite moments from the past year. So, on prayer day, I decided to read through it. Mind you, I'm still in this sour mood. So, I grabbed my journal and attempted to decipher my writing. When I stumbled upon January 31, 2008, I read it. And then read it again, and then again. Then I just, cried.

It was an entry about joy. It was talking about how joy is a choice, not an emotion. Joy is a set of mind. So even through the darkness, we can choose to set our minds on things above. We can choose to claim the promises and truths from our Lord.

We can choose joy.

Then, I had written a quote from a friend that has experienced a kind of darkness that i've never known, and he says this,

"I do not deny the darkness, but I choose not to dwell there."


So, something I had written in my journal 3 years previous, was exactly what I needed to hear on February 18, 2010.
So funny how perfect God's timing is.

I can't wait to see what I'm going to learn in Africa. I can't wait until I see God's beauty in a whole new way. And I can't wait to tell all of you about it.

So friends, let us choose joy.
Let us not dwell in the darkness.
Let us recognize the light.
and let us dwell there.

Let's not forget to be thankful for the darkness, though. Because without the darkness, we would forget the intensity of the sun...




[This is a picture I took at Lake Windermere, on a day that the sun seemed brighter than usual.]

Let us be hopeful...

I love that this beautiful place still holds so many surprises for me. Just when I think that I know this place a little too well, I get a surprise thrown right in my face. And to be honest, I couldn't be more delighted.

This weekend, most of the students were gone for the weekend for outreach preparation purposes. There were few of us left behind to stay at the castle. And i couldn't have asked for a better gift. The sun was out all weekend. It was bright and in your face. It was beautiful. I went on adventures everyday. On friday, I walked to the old ruins up on some hills.
There are wild horses up there that come right up to you. There is also a small sheep that is convinced that he too is a wild horses that gallops around like his brothers. He has a very strong presence about him, that little sheep. He just knew he was meant for bigger things, I suppose. Good for him.
Anyway, we bared through the cold, so we could watch the sunset. It was truly magnificent. I took some of the best photos i've taken since being at school, and that makes me feel very happy.

On Saturday, I walked even further to a local pub and enjoyed dessert with some close friends. We started to walk back, and the night seemed to be one step ahead of us the whole way. The giggling, ghost-story telling, and singing came hurling to a stop. And we all noticed what was so apparently sitting to our left. We saw the moon rise. Yes, I looked and saw the most yellow half circle i have ever seen in my life. And i watched it slowly dance above the hill that it was hiding behind minutes before. Everyone was silenced and i just stared at the brightest most beautiful moon I've ever seen in my life. I felt like I was the only one there. The moon was reflecting perfectly off of the railroad tracks in front of it. And in awe of all of my Lord's glory, I felt the uncontrollable tears stream down my face.

In that moment, I felt content.
In that moment, I felt limitless and free.
In that moment, I felt hopeful.
In that moment, I felt God's presence closer than I ever have in my life.

It pains me to think that people can look at a sunrise, a sunset, a moon rise, or just simple beauty and not have someone to thank for it. I can't imagine seeing what I saw, and not being able to see my Lord's infinite glory.


See beauty, and give thanks.




[This is a picture I took on friday of my friend Jake.]

Go plant something.

I think the transition of going home for Christmas, and then coming back is so much stranger than the transition of coming to this school for the first time.

When I first got to this school, Everything was new, everything was exciting, and everything was constantly grabbing my attention. I was worried about missing something, or being torn different directions to do different things. This experience was great, and much needed. Introductions are always exciting.

However, there was something really wonderful about coming back to Capernwray. To walk into the castle and be greeted by familiar faces, to know exactly what to do, and where to go, to miss people that I had only known 3 months prior, to hear stories of Christmas break, and how much things can change in the course of three weeks, and to just, settle back in to the routine of going to school here. It's almost just a reality check to see how much i've grown.

Growth.

This is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately. The miracle of growth is so simple, it seems, but it's so magnificently beautiful. I mean, think about it...

We plant a seed in the ground.
We try to care for it. We want to give it the things that it needs, and keep it away from the things that will hurt it.
And through some sort of miracle, it begins to grow. It's beauty and potential becomes too small for the seed that contains it. It becomes so great that it bursts through and begins it's process of realizing it's full potential.
Quickly? No.
But day by day, if cared for, it gets a little bit bigger, and little bit stronger, and a little bit prettier.
And it finally blooms. And it becomes the essence of all it's beauty and potential finally executed in the most perfect way.

Yes, the final stage is the most beautiful, but it couldn't have gotten there without the process, without the growth.

So, let us burst from our seeds. Let our potential become a reality, our beauty be seen by all.
And may we find beauty in the process.

The miracle of growth.






Go plant something.
For yourself, and for your friends.
Symbolically, and literally.
Please?

twenty10.

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile. To be honest, it's probably because i haven't been able to articulate what's been going on in my head for quite some time now. But here I am, attempting to let you know what's going on.

I am so very thankful that I got to come home for the holidays. Every moment I spend with my family, I realize how thankful I am for them. I love that the term "family" seems to grow bigger and bigger with every event. Weddings, births, friendships... It's funny to look at my family now, and see people added in, and it just feels normal to have them there. And i suppose it will only grow from here. It is nice to know, however, that whoever is added in, there will always be that core group of people that you can rely on with anything. Siblings, I believe, are some of the greatest gifts that God has provided for us.

Christmas was full of joy. I was lucky enough to receive two ryan adams vinyls, an extreme coffee mug, some toms, a nice messenger bag, every single Jane Austen novel and Adobe Photoshop 8. My family knows me a little too well, i think. Gifts that are thought through, are the best kind. Although a girl can never have too many scarves...

It's a funny thing to come home, the place you've lived in for most of your life, and be a "visitor" for the first time. Yes, it's still my home, but for the first time, i can avoid people from high school, i can be amazed at the new restaurant in town, notice the pot-holes that have been filled in, be greeted with a hardy "welcome home" from my favorite coffee shop, and lay in my bed with more appreciation than ever before.... Man I love that thing.

Well, it's a new year. I think back at this time last year, and realize that these were the days in which i decided to graduate an entire year early and move to England. All in one moment. That just proves that you can never really predict the course of your life. It will constantly surprise you. We must always remember that no matter how flawless our plans seem to be, God's are always better, whether we think so or not. And thank the Lord that I'm not a Senior in high school right now, that's looking forward to PROM '10. I'm so thankful for the plan that God had for me instead.

Who knows what 2010 has in store for me, but I cannot wait to find out what it is.

I'm headed back to England in one week. I only hope that my experience this next term will be half as good as the one first term. I know the Lord has new things to teach me, and new challenges and struggles to show me. I would like to take loads more pictures and maybe try to sleep more. But then again, who wants to spend their whole life sleeping when there are adventures to have! Sleeping is a luxury.

I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, or this fall... but I'm not worried........yet.

I promise I'll do better of writing on here more. It's one of my favorite things, really.


Go outside, and bundle up. Breathe in the cold air and feel it in your lungs. Thank God for everything He has blessed you with, and use those blessings to bring Him the glory.

Love.