Conveniently Disconnected Paragraphs.

Steady now.

2012-01-24T17:28:00.000-08:00

It's gotten to the point where every post that I write starts off with on apology for why I haven't written in ages. Maybe I will skip that this time.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn't tried plenty of times to write a new entry. I mean, it's been the longest I think that i've ever gone. Let's just say that consistency is not one of the things I pride myself on. But, besides my avoidance of routine, I think that there was a weird fear in what I was attempting to write. I don't live in England anymore, I'm not transitioning to a new place. I read books in Indiana. I think I let thoughts of insecurity creep in. And every time I started to write a new blog, I had myself talked out of it before I was finished, because I feel like I really didn't have anything worth saying.

Maybe this is a result of things going on in my life, maybe it was a result of reading too many blogs of people much cooler than myself. However, at this moment, I am coming back to this that I love so much. On a night where I have an outrageous amount of things to do, a check-list(figuratively, of course- we all know that organization is another thing I find no pride in) a hundred miles long, but this is what seems important to me right now, and I have to catch the moment before I lose it.

I'm in a play again. It was a funny series of events that led me to the audition, but I went. And I got a part. I am happier than I thought I was going to be, to be honest. Going into the audition, i felt like a attached a lot of symbolic meaning to walking into the audition. (What else is new.) And, no, I don't mean self worth when I say "symbolic meaning."(Promise.) I think that it just made me really think so much about this whole idea of being taken at face value. Walking on a stage with a giant light, standing in front of extremely intimidating human beings and reading off of a piece of paper in a pathetic attempt to prove that you can portray some sort of original emotion. It's a weird thing. And a terrifying thing. And in those few moments, we have to show ourselves, while representing a different character. It seems so paradoxical, and... impossible.

Now comes the time in the blog where I make this mean something different. Blah blah blah.

That night, after the audition, I kept thinking what an impossible thing it is to show who you are in such a small amount of time.I found myself getting angry and feeling so unjustly treated. But then I realized that, like always, in my anger, I was being selfish. I realized that the more deeply rooted I was in myself, the more I could explore the freedom of my character. The more I let my insecurity take over, the more bound I was to it.

You know the people in your life that are free. You can see them, and you can feel the grace in their dance, the easiness in their words. When we are rooted in Christ, we are able to experience the freedom of what it means to be His children. We are not bound by ourselves. The simple and most beautiful fact of the love of God is the it chooses us. It reaches out to us, and we are not bound by the things we are constantly reaching out for. We are being covered in this love, and we are being set free.

Wendell Berry (I know, i know. I don't quote anyone else.) says, "When going back makes sense, you are going ahead.”I am looking back, I am recognizing the freedom that covers me, and I am ready to keep going. To keep moving forward.

Steady now.

[This day was a day that I felt free.]

Alone.

2011-07-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

I have never been good at beginning things. Introductions aren't my thing, really.

This summer has come rather silently. Like in my previous blog post, I said that this summer is different. I have been "laying low." I have been doing a lot of the same thing everyday, I have spent a lot of time alone, and I have struggled through different waves of sadness and anxiety.

Being the extrovert that I am, I have spent an uncomfortable amount of time alone this summer. I think I was partly anticipating some of my loneliness, but I was definitely not expecting the actual amount of time that I have spent in the company of yours truly. When I am alone, however, I try really hard to make myself feel not alone. I read, I email, I listen to music, I call, I text, I write letters, and I pray for other people. I love loving others. I do. Nothing makes me happier than sending mail to people I love, or even just texting them to remind them that I am interested in their lives.

I desperately try to distract myself, from myself.

I am not saying that things that I do are bad, or wrong, but I realized, that without them... I was terrified. I was terrified to be alone with myself because of all the things that I would realize that I was doing wrong, or all the things that I didn't like about myself, or all of the things that make me sad, or all of things that made me mad. I wanted to remain in the land of distraction, so I didn't have to meet myself exactly where I was.

A few weeks ago, I was in Wisconsin.

Two nights before I drove back to Arkansas and to my monotonous routine, I walked down to the lake.
This lake in particular, has always represented peace. It is a place of refuge for me, and my family. It was an "in between" in a time of chaos, it holds memories that are precious, memories that are hard, and memories that would make you laugh so hard your stomach would hurt. Of all the things that the lake has and has not been, it has always been consistent and it has always been good.
All I could think about was how much I didn't want to go back to Arkansas. I didn't know what to do with all of these thoughts and feelings. So, I walked down to the water, and I sat on the pier. The sun was setting and God was saying, "Hello, Kinsley." And the waves were moving, but just slightly, as if someone was just breathing slightly over the water.

I was alone.

I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't read a story, I didn't do anything.
I just sat. I stared at the lake as if I was searching for something. And then, my sadness, my fears, and my insecurities walked up to me, and sat right by me. And instead of rushing to find something to transport me back to the land of distraction, I greeted them like old friends. I sad I am sorry for ignoring you, and I am sorry for running from you.

But what does it mean to be sad? What does it mean to embrace it?

I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that life is not about being happy. Emotions are fleeting and they change at any given moment. Things in our control, and things that are out of our control all contribute to the constant adjustment of our mood. It is important that we don't ignore these emotions, but it's also important that we don't let them define who we are and what we cling to.

Sometimes, we are sad. But, as a dear and wise friend reminded me,
There is a way to be sad.
and there is a way to be sad well.

So, I will be sad.
I will learn what it means to be sad well.
I will be happy.
I will be happy well.
I will be alone.
and I will not be afraid.

.... and I will let the sunset remind me of, not happiness- no, but JOY and PEACE. The kind of joy that is deep and everlasting, and the kind of Peace that transcends all understanding.

Sure, take all that you see.

2011-06-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

I wasn't quite sure how to start this post.

I will not start this post by trying to explain why it has been so long since I have last written. I will not inform you about how hard it is for me to finally learn how to articulate the things that I am learning, and how badly I want to be able to eloquently write them down. I won't apologize. And I will not make a joke about how my mom is probably the only one that reads this anyway...

I am not on my way to a grand adventure. I am not really transitioning into a new stage of life. I am not going somewhere new where I don't know anyone. I am not moving to a castle. I am not going to a new school.

This are all things that I haven't really been able to say in the past few years. If you were to back track through my posts, you would only read of paradox, transition, adventure, and music... probably. However, as I write from where I am, I can tell you that I am really not moving. I am living at home, I don't have a job, and I don't have a plan.

Now- I've never been one for details, but, I feel like I usually have something that I am looking forward to. My mom told me once that I "measure my time by the next big thing." And, I'm pretty sure she is right. Right now- there is not a big thing, and I feel a bit out of sorts, and a bit unstable.

But, sometimes, instability is exactly what we need. We need things to break into our lives, to remind us that, ultimately, we are not in control. The past month of my life has been entirely unstable. I have been on 11 planes. Gotten lost, stuck, delayed and cancelled. I have attended both a wedding and a funeral within days of each other. I have felt extreme joy, and deep mourning. I have felt angry that I can't even seem to grab hold of one damn thought, or make one lasting decision.

All of these things are contributing to the fact that I am not in control. And it is in these moments- the ones in which we feel like we can no longer stand- that we reach out. We reach out to each other. We humble ourselves, and we ask for help. We understand that we can't control anything and that most of our emotional energy goes into that which we cannot control. We ask for someone to hold our hand. We let a secure embrace wrap around us when we are crying to hard to breathe. We let other people buy us coffee. We let ourselves say things like, "I just don't know."

And, we rest in the fact that God is stable. He is unchanging. He is in control. We cling to this, because it is all that we have and it is all we need.

So, although this summer is looking to be an unstable one, I will be interested in big things, and happy in small ways. I will become better at baking/cooking. I will read classics. I will learn how to play guitar. I will spend time with my brother and mother. I will write. I will rejoice in the union of my friends. I will mourn the loss of my dear friend and cousin. I will make a compost pile in my backyard.

... And I will embrace the shakiness of my ground, and cling to He is who Stable.

[If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see, of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak.]

A traveling paradox.

2011-04-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been daydreaming a lot.

I have been crafting brilliant plans, and all the details that they require. I have sent out emails. I have looked at flights. I have considered gas prices. And I have spent hours on the internet looking at all of the different things that I could be happy doing.

However, all of these things have remained in the confines of my brain, or in the sub-text of an introductory email that was never intended to be followed up.

Why do i make all of these plans, when I know that they will never come to fruition? I think it is because that if I have learned anything in the past two years, it is that the word is a small place. And I never want to lose that realization. So maybe I just always want to be living with the realization that nothing is too far out of reach. Other countries aren't that far away, and there is no real reason why you shouldn't apply for that job. Yes, money is real, and it gets in the way. But, save your Starbucks money for a year, and buy a plane ticket to go visit someone that you always said you would. Get in your car, and drive eleven hours to be home for no more that 40. But know that those 40 hours are important- and so are the eleven that it took you to get down there. In the grand scheme of things, a week long a trip, or a year-long trip are so tiny. Not to say that they are unimportant, but they are tiny. It is no longer a big deal to spend a month here, or a year there.

No matter where we go, no matter if the plans we make happen or not, no matter if we are gone for 1 year or 20 years, we return. We come back. I don't know where we return to.. I mean, maybe it's not one place. Maybe it's not "home." Maybe it's a state of mind, maybe it's a routine, or maybe it's a hug from your mom.

But, in order to return, we must leave. We have to make plans We have to take steps forward. We have to say goodbye. We have to walk away.

Yes yes, I know you are probably thinking, "Here we go, Kinsley, trying to teach lessons via the beauty of paradox." I know I do it a lot, people, but that is because it is such an important concept to grasp. What would stillness mean without it's opposite? What would be light if there was no dark?

The more we recognize paradox, the more we learn to live within it's tension.

What would Easter mean if there was no Good Friday?

So, let us dwell within the tension.

Let us understand that it was true love that carries us, that keeps us afloat.

Let us live with the knowledge that we are forgiven and loved.

Let us mourn the loss and death of our Saviour, let us feel the whip on his back, and the thorns being pressed into his head.

And then, with the rising of the sun, let us REJOICE. let us BE GLAD and know, with every fiber of our being

that He is alive...

.... and so are we.

So, let us return and grab hold of the Love that is waiting for us.

[Oh, I do hope this is one place I am able to return to.]

Swiftly still.

2011-03-25T15:45:00.001-07:00

When you become aware of the fact that life is a constant series of transitions, it makes the things that are constant that much more important. It's like, when you see a rushing river, and you notice the rock in the middle that causes the swiftness of the water to part ways, even if only for a moment. The water continues to move, of course, but it is forced to move aside, because it is not as stable or strong as the rock that it is trying to move past. It is still, and it is constant.

I look back at the moving water of my life and I see friendships that have been gained and lost, I see hopes that have come true, and fears that have also. I see an immense amount of growth. I see different homes, and places, and people.

All of these things add to the swiftness of my river. They make the water go faster and make it hard to remember what it's life to be still. How can one be still when it is caught in a strong current?

In order to be still in the river, we must take a moment to grab ahold of the rocks. We can hold on to that one still piece of land, and rest for awhile, and we can know that it will always be there. It is understood that one must keep going through the current, but it is also understood that one must take a few moments to sit on the bank, or hold onto the rock.

Lately, in this river of life, I have tried to stop and learn what my rocks are. What are the things that have remained constant in my life? The things that have kept up with my adventures. The things that have remained still, even when I kept moving.

As I looked back, some things that had provided stillness for awhile had been loosened as the pace of the river quickened, and were no longer still. But, some things I was able to find had remained still, always.

One of these things is my brothers. Lately, I have been overwhelmed by the swiftness of everything. My brother soon to be married, my other brother soon to graduate. It seems as if the river is getting faster, and I am putting all of my emotional energy into stopping it. I started to get so upset that we kept growing up, and, with that, growing further and further away from each other. We have experienced things, met people, learned things, that we will never be able to fully articulate to each other.

Here is the wonderful thing, though. My brothers are there, they always have been, and they always will be. We have been through really hard times together, really happy times together, and impossibly funny times together. And, although we no longer get to experience each other's day-to-day beings, we no what makes each other tick. I know that with one brother I get to talk about J.D. Salinger and Animal Collective any day. And with the other, I can talk about N.T. Wright, and Ryan Adams. I am thankful for brothers that I want to spend time with, not just have to. And, in this time of growing and transitioning, I am able to understand that my brother are like rocks. They are a part of my life, and they always will be. They will cause the water to move aside, even if only for a moment. And I am so thankful for that.

So, let us not get caught in the current.
Let us remember to hold onto the rocks, to understand stillness, and to be grateful.

and let us understand that without the current, we wouldn't be able to fully appreciate the stillness.

[This day was swift, but it was beautiful.]

Profound benevolence.

2011-03-08T21:27:00.000-08:00

This is the longest that I have ever gone without writing a blog. There is several times that I have sat down, thought of a clever title, and began to write. However, it never turned into anything. I could never hold on to a thought long enough to articulate it. And, to be quite honest, it was killing me. I hated that I couldn't write. I felt like I had so much to say, but something in me was blocking my ability to make my thoughts into words. These past two months have been up and down, here and there, and this and that. They have been hard, but they have been good. I have grown, and I continue to grow. I mean, life is a series of transitions and changes, isn't it?

In my desperate attempt to use words carefully and meaningfully (largley insprited by shakespeare, c.s lewis, and ) I find myself using a dictionary more than I ever have in my life. I love to look up commonly used words, and see what other words are used to describe the one that I have looked up. And, usually, it's pretty surprising and makes me think really hard about the words that I am using and how I am often using words incorrectly.

One of these words that has made me think the most is importance.
Now, when you look up the word "important" in the dictionary, you get: of great significance or value; likely to have a profound effect on your well-being. When I read this definition I thought about all of the things in my life that I am treating with importance that do not have a profound affect on my well-being. In fact, they don't really matter at all. Immediately after thinking this thought, my mind traveled to thinking about all of the things that are having a profound effect on my well-being that I am treating of no importance at all.

Not only did this realization help me sort out my priorities, but it also opened up my eyes to notice important things in my life that I had never realized before. Certain books, sunsets, good conversations, postcards, certain emails, letters, pictures, and sometimes, even just a really long drive.

And also, writing...

So, why, now, do I write? I write because it is something that I love to do. It helps me process things. It helps me learn things. And, through the grace of God, it helps other people learn things too. To be honest, I think that the main reason I stopped writing was because I lost all confidence in it. I didn't see any quality in the things I was saying, the the way I was saying them. And I gave in to the spinning vortex that is self-doubt. I stayed there for awhile. I am thankful for it this time, because while I was at the bottom of everything, I had honest people there that asked me honest questions. And as I answered them, I could feel myself standing up a little straighter, and smiling a little bigger. People were there to love me in a way that didn't look like, "Hey, everything will be fine... So, anyway..." There were there to love me in a way that looked like, "Kinsley, you are wrong." and "I want to come alongside you and help you." It was a beautiful love that I needed. Although this honest love was sometimes hard to swallow, it was always paired with kindness- not false "make you feel better" kindness... but genuine benevolence.

And kindness is important.

During these months of growth, the amount of kindness that has been thrown my way has been incredible. And the great thing about kindness, is it comes in all sorts of ways. Conversations of literature and of concerts. Free coffee. A few words here and there. A letter. Help. Dinner. Honesty. Questions. or Cheesecake.

So, recognize the things in your life that are important.
and put all the other things in different categories.
Be kind to the people around you. Buy them coffee, or smile at them.

and let us be people that profoundly effect each other's life.

[This is a picture that I took in a bookstore in Oxford that had a profound effect on me, indeed.]

So delicate and precise.

2010-12-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

It's been ages, and for that, I apologize.

Lately, I feel as if growing up has been fast forwarded a bit. I had gotten quite used to the gradual process of learning lessons and slowly figuring out how to apply them to my life. We grow up delicately, so delicate, in fact, we barley notice our body growing taller until we look back at pictures from seventh grade when all your t-shrits were from thrift stores and your mouth was filled with braces. Seeing those pictures, however, makes us thankful for where we are now, I believe. Makes us appreciate our straight teeth, and the awkward conversation from our mothers telling us, "you know, sweetheart, you're going to have to stop wearing t-shirts eventually."

However, sometimes, the changes aren't as slow as the (forever) long process of shifting teeth. Sometimes they are unexpected. Sometimes they completely shake your world, or wake up a part of your brain and/or heart that you thought was long asleep or forgotten.

It's interesting that in my last post, I talked of disruptions. How important they are, how much they are necessary to our lives. When I was writing the post, I thought that I was reflecting on an already disrupted mind set. I thought that I had, "come up on the other side" and was able to tell my tale of routine-ruining. Little did I know, however, this would be only the beginning of a long series of plot twists. Some of them small, some of them exciting, some of them life changing, and some of them terrifying.

I feel like my entire life, people have been telling me to conquer hard situations. But, what does that even mean? Is it an inspirational way of telling someone to "get over it?" Lately, I have realized that there are some things that I thought were "conquered" in my life. Certain things that were over, had been dealt with, and would never really have to be re-visted. Because, when one conquers a village, they don't go back and few years later and try to conquer it again. That's just silly. And this is the mindset that I was living with. But it's impossible and entirely untrue.

Once something is broken, it stays broken. No matter how strong your super glue is , you can always tell that it's not just not whole. If you are to ignore it's brokenness, however, it will only become more fragile. Even if, on the surface, things seem to working as usual, the foundation is crumbling because it is not being held together by what it once was.

However, if you recognize the brokenness, you can learn how to best accommodate. We can understand that it is fragile, and treat it with more tenderness and patience than we would something that is perfect.

Now, please understand that the recognition of brokenness isn't easy. At all. It can come suddenly, and when it does, it hurts like hell. The recognition of the brokenness in my own life has brought back memories that I had buried deep inside of me, conversations that I had never thought would take place, and a lot of hard days. And some days, it seems impossible and I beg for ignorance, because ignoring things is so much easier.

However, I know that this it. This is life, and no one ever promised me it would easy. I know that this is not something I have to "conquer." It is something that is disrupting my life, and making me grow. And I am so thankful for a God who sees the ugliness and brokenness of my heart, and forgives me anyway. And who says, "You are not alone."

Together, we much recognize our own brokenness.
We must treat each other with tenderness, love, patience, and kindness.
Because we are fragile beings.
and let us remember that

We are not alone.

Happy new year, friends.

A Disruption of Hospitality.

2010-10-31T15:55:00.001-07:00

This weekend, I hopped in a van with some friends and drove to Milwaukee. I caught a ride from them after I overheard them talking about going home for the weekend, and decided to visit some friends in the area. The road trip was filled with laughter, sleeping, and conversations about the importance of Outkast and the evolution of music, according to our lives.

After being dropped off in downtown Milwaukee, my dear friend picked me up on a curb, and took me to one of the cutest coffee shops I have ever been to, filled with a lovely staff, organic scones, and incredibly appealing light fixtures. After having a wonderful and refreshing conversation, I was dropped off at another friends house for the rest of the weekend.

Now, this house isn't really like others. There is a certain warmness about this place that I will never be able to fully articulate. Upon entering, you are hit with a rush of love and joy that fill every corner of the home. The house is located on a small lake, that sometimes looks impossibly still. There is a handmade pier that juts out into the lake, submerging you in it's beauty. The house is framed in trees, but the sun always seems to make it's way through at all the right times. I was staying in a room with 5 windows all pointed towards the lake. It's the closest thing to sleeping outside, without sleeping outside. Laying in my bed, I couldn't help but notice the tree branches stretching towards that sky, and the majesty of the stars perfectly placed between them. I was exhausted, but fighting to stay awake for the sake of keeping my eyes open just a little bit longer.

The thing that gives this home the most beauty, however, is the family that lives in it. This family loves the way Jesus did. They understand what it means to be hospitable in the name of the Lord, which is the most beautiful kind. They all love God in a unique and real way that is so encouraging to witness. I see Jesus in the way they are as individuals, and as a working family unit. They have an indubitable understanding of the character of God, and live their lives accordingly. This family has been through a kind of suffering that I can't understand, and wouldn't know if I could bear, but they love so loudly throughout it all. Spending time with them this weekend completely shattered this "college routine" that I had gotten so stuck in since being at Taylor. They reminded me what it was like to have a living and breathing relationship with God.

They disrupted my life in the best possible way.

This idea of "disruption" came from a church service that I attended this morning with this family. He was talking about the importance of open-mindedness and the danger of becoming black and white with our framework of reality. The whole service, I sat there as each word went into my ear and straight down to my heart.

The word "disruption" I feel has a connotation of something that happens suddenly, without warning, and often, annoying. It almost makes it seems that disruptions are an inevitable force of nature.

I would like to suggest, however, that we must seek disruption in our lives.

Capernwray completely shattered my ideas of myself, my relationship with God, and Christianity as whole. This was the best thing that ever happened to me, and while I was going through it, I kept think that this was the one time in my life that I would be broken, and that my new ideas from the lectures and fellow students would stay forever. I have come to realize, however, that keeping the things I learned at Capernwray is a daily effort that I most actively be watering and nurturing.

I need to understand what it means to seek disruption for the sake of growth.

Let us not be controlled by our routine and become comfortable.

Let us be disrupted, and let us be the ones to disrupt.

and, let us do it for His sake, with His grace.

Now, please, go on an adventure, and ruin your routine.

Minimums for Maximums.

2010-10-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

College, so far, is hectic balancing act of social interactions, extra curricular activities, new people, and, yes, of course, academia. I am taking quite an easy schedule this semester, which is nice. I get to do a lot of things that I wouldn't normally be able to do, and get really plugged into the community that defines Taylor. It's great. I've already had some really wonderful experiences, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet.

Now, I'm not sure if you are aware, but at college, I am required to take classes with other human beings. This means that learning takes place not only through the knowledge of professors and the text that we study, but also from the input of other classmates that have, sometimes, very strong opinions. It's so important to learn from one another. What a poem means to one person, means something entirely different to another. True learning only takes place within a community. Ya know, the whole iron sharpens iron thing.

Something that I have seen in every classroom, however, is a group of people that simply want to get things done. They want the grade, they want the teacher to think they are intelligent, and they want to do it in a way that requires the least amount of work. They are building a beautiful home with all the decorations and furnishings of a perfect student, but they are building it on sand. Efficiency becomes the most important thing, and excellence isn't even considered. I just participated in a class that was student-led. The professor wasn't there, a college kids dream, right? But we were left with specific instructions of what to do. The assignment was fairly simple, something we could've gotten done in half the class time. Instead, we just schemed and made-up brilliant ways to make it look like we did what was assigned to us. We were planning these mistaken impressions, while, every five minutes the cliche kid in the corner chimed in with a banal, "Can't we just... leave?"

Now, I am avid user of sparknotes, and don't always things get done by their due date, but I also have a hunger for knowledge, and a responsibility of excellence. "Blah blah blah education is power. Blah blah blah education is a gift." I realize that I'm being painfully cliche here, and, if you have any experience in an educational facility, you've been told not to take advantage of your education. But all of these people are aware of that. They are just lazy, and they work hard at being lazy. Ironic, huh?

I want to embrace the quality of being outstanding, and apply it to everything I do.

Because of the love of God, I am already set apart.. so why don't I start acting like it?

We need to understand that the result of a situation is not what we're working for. It's the journey that gets us there. It's the long hours in the night when we only have one more page to go, it's the proofreading, it's the re-reading, it's riding our bike instead of taking our cars, and it's cooking a meal instead of grabbing something to go.

We are all excellent creatures.

So, friends, let's get off of the lift, and hike up the mountain.
See you kids at the top.

The Recital of Events.

2010-10-06T22:07:00.001-07:00

I've been working on a new blog for awhile now, and today, when I came back to work on it some more, I read it... changed some things... read it again... and then deleted it.

Today, I was reminded of why it is that I love to write.
I just want to tell a story. A story of significance. A story of honesty.
I want to be able to string together my day to day beings, struggles, and interactions in an eloquent way. And when all of these anecdotes make their long journey to articulation, I pray that they will point somewhere else entirely. I pray that they would point to the One who is really stringing all these things together.

I want to help someone. Not for the sake of myself, but for the sake of my God.

I am just so wildly in love with the stories of these other beings that are living around me. When I see someone, I just wonder who they are. Why they are where they are. Everyone is a story. A beautiful one.

We are stories of redemption, of adventure, of heartache, of epic success, and epic failure. Stories of love, of loss, of friendships, and of music.

The greatest things I've learned about life, love, and other mysteries (Point of Grace reference?- Absolutely.), have been from the stories of other people. Honest ones. Honesty, I believe, is the greatest teacher. It's when we all step down from our pedestals, and we realize that we are so fortunate to be creatures that experience grace. It's when we let our human struggles show, for the sake of the representation of the goodness of God. The sharing of stories is so important. Really.

It's just the brave ones who choose to write it down.

Today, this is my story:

God is good, and today I was reminded in so many different ways. Through the Swell Season's album Strict Joy (this album is beautiful in 100 different ways, it makes your heart speed up, and slow down, and gives you goosebumps at all the right times. These heartbreaking lyrics will remind you how to feel.), the smile of a familiar face, the inspiration of an unexpected conversation with an acquaintance, the keys of the piano, and the perfect breeze slightly blowing across campus.

Somedays, nothing can make you feel more alive than the wind kissing your cheeks and dancing across your eyelids.

So, my honest friends, go and live.
and may the story of your life burn brightly as you go.

(and also listen to Strict Joy. I promise you won't regret it.)

Momentary modulations.

2010-09-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. At college. And, after a week of surprising loneliness, awkward introductory conversations, creating new and beautiful friendships, and trying to remember how to study for things, I am finally feeling a sense of comfort. Ryan Adams is usually always playing through my speakers and all my pictures and ceramic bowls are choicely placed around my closet-like area in a poor attempt to make this feel like a temporary home (Why does Ryan Adams make me feel like I'm home...? I don't know. But it does.) Desk lamps, dried flowers, and carefully selected trinkets are what keeps me company in my small area- And I'm completely fine with that.

My transition to Taylor has been an interesting one, to say the least. (here we go again, kinsley... talking about transitions. what's new....) It's not at all what I expected. Going to Capernwray was indeed a leap of faith, but I was thrown into a room of people just like me. People ready and waiting for an adventure. People that were ready to meet strangers. And people that desperately wanted to be like Jesus. Coming to Taylor feels much like showing up late for a party.... a party full of strangers. A lot of strangers. Now, please understand that these strangers are some of the most lovely and kind and welcoming people in the world. And God has blessed me with a few very wonderful people that I care about a lot and couldn't imagine being here without. But still, this is unlike any of the adventures that I've experience before. I think I might be growing up, or something...

In a song, the key changes, and in this momentary modulation, we feel something. Whether this transition is slow and soft, or fast and chaotic, it gives us a feeling of excitement, and of progress. We can feel the song continuing and it makes our heart beat a little faster than before.. It becomes a part of us, even just for those few precious moments. And when the song ends, we are able to admire and dwell in it's completeness.

Right now, I can feel my life changing and transitioning at what feels like a rapid pace. And, like a song, with each key change, I get a bit more excited and a bit more scared.

But I am so joyful. More joyful than I have felt in a long time. God is showing me His love in brand new ways. He is showing me through loneliness, through a simple poem, through a certain prayer, through new friendships, through old ones, through the piano, through distance, through a certain someone that looks me right in the eye, through professors, through the life of living in a painfully small town, and through the knowledge that I am a beautiful, forgiven creation of God.

Let us remember to experience these momentary modulations with joy.
Let us remember that we are constantly transitioning, growing, and learning.
and Let us remember that we are not alone.

[Lately, I have been thinking so much about my short time in Edinburgh, Scotland. This picture is one of the most peaceful pictures I've ever taken and reminds me of how badly I would like to return to this beautiful city...(one day.)]

Sure.

2010-08-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that this summer is over. It seems like only yesterday that it began. When I think back on this season of humid weather and trips to the lake, I feel like it's flown by, but I also feel like a lifetime of memories were made. So many joyful moments, packed into a few precious months. Scenes of two sets of feet balancing off of the most perfect pier in all the world, emergency runs to mcdonalds for ice cream way more delicious than half a dollar, old friendships becoming older and stronger, and new ones becoming more than i could have ever imagined.

It was a challenging summer, but a wonderful one all the same. Sometimes I have to press the pause button on my life, take a few steps back, and realize how blessed I am. How fortunate I am to be given these beautiful opportunities in life.

I strongly believe that these opportunities were given to me by God. I do. But I also believe that it was my choice to take them or not. This whole, "taking advantage of opportunities" thing is new for me. Because, well, it's sort of terrifying. Actually, it's really terrifying. It's human nature to want to control things. I mean, it's the reason there are rules in classrooms and pedals on bikes. Some people are attracted to the unknown, but there is still a speck of terror. But, this is what I've realized: even though the results are unknown, I have no reason to be scared. God is in everything. He is in every result. He is in every opportunity, even the ones I choose not to take. And if i truly believe that, than fearing the unknown is pointless. So, I will realize that God is faithful, and live accordingly.

I will see the unknown as beautiful and exciting.

I realize that this will not be easy. But it's something that I desperately want to work for. Especially now.

So, friends, let us not hesitate, but leap into the unknown...

Pack up your bags and move to a castle in the middle of rural England.
Let a boy hold your hand.
Get lost, just because.
Look at the stars for so long that your eyes hurt.
Stay out past curfew.
Surprise a friend.
Say yes.

and dwell in the peace that comes from the acknowledgement that the entire universe is taking care of you.

[I'm moving to a new place soon. And I'm trying to leap... but it's sort of hard.]

Look up.

2010-08-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last few days in Lake Tahoe along with my family. This little trip has been restful in every way possible. Simply having time to sit down and be with my family.

Lake Tahoe is beautiful. The clearest most blue body of water I've ever seen. It's breathtaking.

My family is so wonderful. The most wonderful people I know. As I get older, I realize more and more how precious and important it is to spend time with each other and just, listen, laugh, learn, and love.

This wonderful, but short trip, however, has come to an end. And here I am.... on yet another plane...

Planes can be frustrating. Delays, re-routes, cancellations, a loud or obnoxious seat partner.... the potential things to complain about are endless. I was on a plane today, and just about all of the previous things had happened to me, not to mention I was extremely hungry. I was sitting there on the plane, my eyes to tired to read, but not tired enough to sleep. I know we were starting our descend, and I just kept thinking, "you're almost there, this is almost over, you get to stand up soon, and get off of this airplane." Then, in an act of pure desperation, i lifted up the window covering hoping for at least one cloud to stare at.

Little did I know that this cheap, plastic window shade was the gate to the one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

I was flying in the middle of a sunset. The clouds around me were impossibly orange, and the rest of the sky on fire with the rays of the sun. It seemed to cover everything in sight. My mind emptied of absolutely everything, and I just stared out the window upon what seemed like a flame-licked kingdom. The warm tears streamed down my face representing all the words I couldn't say.

I glanced around me to see if anyone else was moved by the masterpiece surrounding us. I was sad to see all the drooling men, annoyed women, distracted children, and angry flight attendants. All the glory, this majesty, this beauty, going completely unnoticed. And then I realized,

This is not about them.

Right now, in this moment, this is about me, and my Creator. He is telling me He loves me and I need to accept it, and be grateful from the very bottom of my soul.

I can choose to notice this beauty and accept this kind of love each and everyday. Whether it be through the sunsets, the laughter of my brother, the wisdom of my grandfather, the clearness of a lake, or in the comfort if knowing that I am beloved.

Let us look up, and see the love that is waiting for us...

Responsibly hospitable.

2010-06-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

I know that people who have blogs update them often. Little musings about how their week is going, the things they are thinking about, the projects they are working on. The reason there is such a large amount of time between blogs, is because it takes me this long to reach into the swirling vortex that is my brain and fish out one of the thousands of thoughts catching speed as the spin spin spin around in my head. When I catch hold of this thought, I then attempt to articulate the best I can... Which is not always an easy task.... especially when you are crazy.

I feel like I have learned so much since my last blog, which makes this even harder to write, because I'm not even sure where to begin. There have been a few words that have really seem to come up several times in the last month. So most of my thoughts, as of late, have been centered around these words.
What are these words?

Hospitality.
Responsibility.
Selflessness.

When I think of the word responsibility, my mind automatically travels back to the list of chores I did when I was a kid. I see a checklist. I see specific things that I have to do, even if just for the sake of crossing it off a list. I don't remember feelings of joy, or of servanthood. I feel obligation. I can hear the authoritative tone in my mother's voice.
I don't like that this is my connotation for this word. I need to redefine this word in my life. I need to think past the feeling of clenching teeth, and I need to have an open mind.
I want this word to be one that directly makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. I want to know Jesus so well that it becomes a responsiblity for me to follow him so closely, that it's hard for people to tell a difference.

But not just any responsibility....

...... a joyful one.

One that will only make me smile. One that will make me excited.

One that I will never be able to cross off of any list, but one that I will be constantly working towards.

I was to be joyfully responsible.

Now, I think this word ties in perfectly with the next two.

In the journey to become more like Jesus. I want to be selfless, and unbelievably hospitable. I want to be a kind of person that you unashamedly ask to do things for you, with complete confidence in the fact that I will say yes. And I want to do it joyfully.

Last week, I was given a perfect example of this lifestyle. I perfect symbol of Jesus, hospitality, responsibility, and selflessness. It was this couple of precious days that finally allowed the process of reaching into my brain feel safe....

In some of the best solitude hours I've ever spent in my life, I drove up to Chicago all by myself. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I sang, I stared... It was great.

I was warmly welcomed into the cutest apartment I've ever walked into in my life. Quotes and pictures and books and laughter and trains and organic lemonade and music and crafts filled the home. I automatically felt like I belonged there.
These unique decorations and crazy amount of books are not even what made the apartment so special. It was the couple that occupied it.

These two individuals were a home. They are unashamedly in love, and they don't care who knows it. The common knowledge of their mutual love for one another seems like common sense. It seems like it is just a universal truth that they are together.
Simply put... they love each other more than they love themselves, and they do so loudly, and obviously. And that's it guys.... that's like Jesus. They are Jesus to one another. And to everyone else they meet.

I am so thankful that I spend these two wonderful days with these people. I feel like the peace and love that I had been praying to feel, that seemed to far away, was finally shown to me in the most unlikely situation.

So friends.

Let us be Jesus to one another.
Let us be selfless.
Let us be responsible.
Let us be hospitable.

[What is it about strawberries that scream summertime?]

Set yourself free.

2010-05-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Airports are the strangest places. A place, set apart for everyone to meet up, so they can go somewhere else. Everyone is leaving, or coming. Goodbyes, homecomings, everything. Thousands of people wanting to go somewhere else. I feel like I have spent more time in airports this year than I ever have in my whole life. Going different places all over the world. And every time I am in one, all I can think about is everyone else's story. Why are they flying to Tuscan, Arizona at 9:00 am on a Wednesday morning? What on earth is making them go to Ft Wayne, IN on a thursday night? Why are they alone? Who is going to pick them up when they land? Who is on their mind? Are they excited to go? Or are they dreading it?

This year, I have found an extreme fascination with people's stories. Why they do the things they do, what events in their life has shaped them? What is their family like?

Stories. That's all people are, anyway.

We are all the result of the things, places, people, and events that have happened in our lives. No one, absolutely no one, you can take at face value.

Our lives become a series of embracing and avoiding certain parts of our stories and living within the balance of that. The good, the bad, the ugly, all play a crucial role in our lives.

Some of the things that happen to us are inevitable. Things we have no control over. I mean, what is a story without a twist, anyway? Unfortunately, trust is a risky business. We cannot control the humans that we are in relationships with in life. Every individual make their own decisions, which effects the people around them. There are times when I feel so helpless. I feel that no matter what I do, not matter how much I guard my heart, or open it, no matter how careful I am, something that is out of my control comes swooping in to screw it all up. And it is those sudden inevitable things that make you experience the kind of hurt that you feel in the pit of your stomach.

Here is the great thing though...
Amidst this crazy uncontrollable life that we all live, there is something we can cling to.
Our reactions.
We have this awesome power to twist the story back around. To surprise the reader in reacting to the inevitable twists with love, and character. We have the power to embrace the unwanted edits in our story, and make them the most beautiful parts. We have the power to change ourselves.
Once we cling to this truth, once we drop the expectations of life that we have, we are allowed to feel a freedom like no other.

The greatest woman in my life shared this quote with my recently, and it's change the way I live my everyday life:

"Everything in life falls into three different categories:
Things we can change,
things we can influence.
and things we can do nothing about.

We spend most of out emotional energy on things we can do nothing about.
We always underestimate the things we can influence.
And the only thing we can change is ourselves."

So friends,

Let us recognize the inevitable. But, don't let us dwell there.
Let us embrace everything we influence, and turn it into light.
and let us understand that change can only come from within.

......so about that next chapter...

The reality of Neverland.

2010-04-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

Throughout my adventures of the past six months, I was able to spend the last week doing a bit of traveling. I was down in London, and my friends and I were determined to find the Peter Pan statue in the Kensington Gardens. We looked far and wide, and right as the excitement was at it's peak, we turned the corner... and there he was.

Peter Pan, the boy who would not grow up.

Now Peter Pan is a classic character from our childhood. A story that we all know, love, and adore. When I watch it, it just makes me want to go exploring, and forget all my responsibilities. I want to run through the forests, live in a treehouse, sword-fight with pirates, and hang out with mermaids. What is it, besides these previously named adventures, that draws me to Peter so much? Why is it that a life of staying young, remaining irresponsible, and never growing up seem so appealing?

I think the reason I cling to this story so dearly, is because I am scared. Scared of growing up.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Peter. I think he teaches us what it truly means to be joyful. Ya know, the kind of joy you feel in the pit of your stomach, and the bottom of your heart. I also think Peter teaches us courage.
There is something so beautiful about the fearlessness of a child.

So, something to keep in mind is this:
We are never to old to sword-fight a pirate.

Anyway, if you remember the story of Peter Pan, you will recall that his relationship with Wendy was not always perfect. And the flaws in this relationship were always rooted in the argument of whether or not to grow up. Peter never wanted to grow up, and Wendy did.

But here is my point. Even though Wendy grew up... She still went to Neverland.

Now, I believe that Wendy's trip to Neverland changed her life. She learned things there that she could have never learned in the real world. She learned courage, and she learned the value of keeping the good things about being a kid.

But, the things we learn aren't real, until they are applied.

We aren't "changed" people, until we take the things we learn, and apply them to our life. We can sit down and be taught something, but until we do it ourselves, we haven't learned anything.
Think about when you learned how to tie your shoe. The teacher showed you a thousand times. But you can't say, "I know how to tie my shoe" until you do it yourself.

Now, it's obvious that the trip to Neverland is absolutely necessary. I mean, if it wasn't for Neverland, Wendy would have been the person she is today. But, Neverland is only a chapter of her story.

I think I view my time at Capernwray as a sort of "Neverland" experience. I had the best times of my life. I learned the biggest lessons, and made some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I would not be the same person right now, If i didn't go to Capernwray. But it is now the point in my story where I apply the things I learn. I make those things my reality. I become the changed person that I think I am. I make my Neverland a reality.

I think this principle also greatly applies to our faith. It is one things to believe in a God, and it is something else entirely to follow a Saviour. No, I am not preaching grace by works in the least. But I am saying that nothing is real until we apply it. So, you may believe in God, but is it real? Are you acting like it? Have you taken what you've learned and applied it to you life? Or are you still in Neverland?

So, my friends.

Let us find and appreciate our Neverlands.
Let us see all the beauty we can there.
Let us learn unique lessons.
and then, Let us bring them home with us.
Let us apply them to our life.
Let us be the people that we have the potential of being.
Let us be Wendy, and Peter.

Let us make our Neverlands a reality.

Let's get together..

2010-03-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

I must start of this blog by apologizing that I haven't written in ages. But, the last month of my life has been, what I think to be, the most influential one yet. And I needed time to process it, and truly have to time think about the things I have learned. And it is only now that I can even think about articulating it.
Since I have last blogged, I have been in five different countries. And as I slowly flip through the once blank pages of my passport, I can now see them decorated in memories. England, Dubai, Kenya, Uganda, France, America.
Whoa.

Yes, as we all know, I love to travel. I view each added stamp on my passport like a reward, a trophy of sorts. But alas, my time for traveling has been paused for awhile, and here i am at home. My time in England is done for now, and I have unknown adventures ahead of me. It is a strange feeling. but it is not a sad one.

Very recently I have witnessed the beauty of community. A group of people that are nothing alike, working together for a common goal. And by working together, I mean loving one another. I experienced a glimpse of this at Capernwray, I believe. But, to be honest, it's a bit of a community with an expiration date. But i'm talking about a real community. One that has seen you grow up, make mistakes, try to sport different fashions, leave, come back, laugh, cry.
That's the kind of community i'm talking about.

I'm talking about the church.

I, personally, have never really been able to call myself a part of a church. There is not a building that I come home to where a bunch of old people come up to me, and ask how i'm doing. I don't have a group of people asking me what i've been learning, or what is on my heart. I don't have a church driveway to have a car wash in.
I never realized how much I was missing, until I witnessed a beautiful church, and a beautiful family in the English town of Rougham. That is a small church of Jesus loving, people loving, fools. It's unbelievable to see. It was beautiful. And it makes me realize why it is absolutely crucial to one's life to have a community to fall back on.
So please, if you have one, recognize it.
If you don't, get plugged in somewhere.

I have been going, I feel from place to place for the last six months. But the past few days, I think, have been the best. Because I felt rested. I felt like I was part of a community that was genuinely interested in my well-being. I felt like I was part of a family.
And that provides a peace and a comfort like no other.

So, one can get easily caught up in the excitement of a life of travel...

But what is a tree without it's roots?

We all have a home. We all have a community. We all have family.

So please, my friends, take advantage of it.
Organize a free car wash.
Raise money for a good cause, together.
Pray for each other.
Look out for one another.
Goof around with one another.
Have a bake sale.
Or just tell your parents how much you appreciate them, by taking them out to a meal.

It's amazing how much of an impact one person can have on your life, even in the most indirect way...

Now, go bake something.

[this is a photo i took from the tippy top of the eiffel tower.]

The choice of joy.

2010-02-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

I tend to forget the brightness and intensity of the sun. Especially here in England. But the past few Saturdays i have been blessed with a very bright sun. I'm beginning to appreciate this rarity, though. Because when these sunny days do come, I am just in awe of the intensity, and the majesty. A huge star, so far away, that I can feel on my face. Incredible.

I go to Africa in three days. Yes, three, which is much closer to zero than the previous numbers. I honestly can't even believe that it is almost here. This week has been a hard one. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, anxiety, and defeat have been bigger than any of my other feelings as of late. For me, there is nothing worse than the feelings of being defeated.

In the midst of all this darkness, I was reminded in the most beautiful way of the light.

We had another media fast this week as Capernwray. This really isn't hard for me, I'm fine with not checking emails, watching movies, etc. But the one that seems almost impossible is the absent of music. You don't realize how much it plays a role in your days, until you go without it. This time it seemed even harder, because i was feeling all these feelings of inadequacy, and I wanted to escape them via music. So, I felt far from home, and just... sort of crazy.

But then, I learned a lesson...

I had recently finished a journal that I have had for three years. This is what I like to call my "moments" journal. So, it's not consistent in the least. But it holds my most favorite moments from the past year. So, on prayer day, I decided to read through it. Mind you, I'm still in this sour mood. So, I grabbed my journal and attempted to decipher my writing. When I stumbled upon January 31, 2008, I read it. And then read it again, and then again. Then I just, cried.

It was an entry about joy. It was talking about how joy is a choice, not an emotion. Joy is a set of mind. So even through the darkness, we can choose to set our minds on things above. We can choose to claim the promises and truths from our Lord.

We can choose joy.

Then, I had written a quote from a friend that has experienced a kind of darkness that i've never known, and he says this,

"I do not deny the darkness, but I choose not to dwell there."

So, something I had written in my journal 3 years previous, was exactly what I needed to hear on February 18, 2010.
So funny how perfect God's timing is.

I can't wait to see what I'm going to learn in Africa. I can't wait until I see God's beauty in a whole new way. And I can't wait to tell all of you about it.

So friends, let us choose joy.
Let us not dwell in the darkness.
Let us recognize the light.
and let us dwell there.

Let's not forget to be thankful for the darkness, though. Because without the darkness, we would forget the intensity of the sun...

[This is a picture I took at Lake Windermere, on a day that the sun seemed brighter than usual.]

Let us be hopeful...

2010-02-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

I love that this beautiful place still holds so many surprises for me. Just when I think that I know this place a little too well, I get a surprise thrown right in my face. And to be honest, I couldn't be more delighted.

This weekend, most of the students were gone for the weekend for outreach preparation purposes. There were few of us left behind to stay at the castle. And i couldn't have asked for a better gift. The sun was out all weekend. It was bright and in your face. It was beautiful. I went on adventures everyday. On friday, I walked to the old ruins up on some hills.
There are wild horses up there that come right up to you. There is also a small sheep that is convinced that he too is a wild horses that gallops around like his brothers. He has a very strong presence about him, that little sheep. He just knew he was meant for bigger things, I suppose. Good for him.
Anyway, we bared through the cold, so we could watch the sunset. It was truly magnificent. I took some of the best photos i've taken since being at school, and that makes me feel very happy.

On Saturday, I walked even further to a local pub and enjoyed dessert with some close friends. We started to walk back, and the night seemed to be one step ahead of us the whole way. The giggling, ghost-story telling, and singing came hurling to a stop. And we all noticed what was so apparently sitting to our left. We saw the moon rise. Yes, I looked and saw the most yellow half circle i have ever seen in my life. And i watched it slowly dance above the hill that it was hiding behind minutes before. Everyone was silenced and i just stared at the brightest most beautiful moon I've ever seen in my life. I felt like I was the only one there. The moon was reflecting perfectly off of the railroad tracks in front of it. And in awe of all of my Lord's glory, I felt the uncontrollable tears stream down my face.

In that moment, I felt content.
In that moment, I felt limitless and free.
In that moment, I felt hopeful.
In that moment, I felt God's presence closer than I ever have in my life.

It pains me to think that people can look at a sunrise, a sunset, a moon rise, or just simple beauty and not have someone to thank for it. I can't imagine seeing what I saw, and not being able to see my Lord's infinite glory.

See beauty, and give thanks.

[This is a picture I took on friday of my friend Jake.]

Go plant something.

2010-01-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

I think the transition of going home for Christmas, and then coming back is so much stranger than the transition of coming to this school for the first time.

When I first got to this school, Everything was new, everything was exciting, and everything was constantly grabbing my attention. I was worried about missing something, or being torn different directions to do different things. This experience was great, and much needed. Introductions are always exciting.

However, there was something really wonderful about coming back to Capernwray. To walk into the castle and be greeted by familiar faces, to know exactly what to do, and where to go, to miss people that I had only known 3 months prior, to hear stories of Christmas break, and how much things can change in the course of three weeks, and to just, settle back in to the routine of going to school here. It's almost just a reality check to see how much i've grown.

Growth.

This is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately. The miracle of growth is so simple, it seems, but it's so magnificently beautiful. I mean, think about it...

We plant a seed in the ground.
We try to care for it. We want to give it the things that it needs, and keep it away from the things that will hurt it.
And through some sort of miracle, it begins to grow. It's beauty and potential becomes too small for the seed that contains it. It becomes so great that it bursts through and begins it's process of realizing it's full potential.
Quickly? No.
But day by day, if cared for, it gets a little bit bigger, and little bit stronger, and a little bit prettier.
And it finally blooms. And it becomes the essence of all it's beauty and potential finally executed in the most perfect way.

Yes, the final stage is the most beautiful, but it couldn't have gotten there without the process, without the growth.

So, let us burst from our seeds. Let our potential become a reality, our beauty be seen by all.
And may we find beauty in the process.

The miracle of growth.

Go plant something.
For yourself, and for your friends.
Symbolically, and literally.
Please?

twenty10.

2010-01-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile. To be honest, it's probably because i haven't been able to articulate what's been going on in my head for quite some time now. But here I am, attempting to let you know what's going on.

I am so very thankful that I got to come home for the holidays. Every moment I spend with my family, I realize how thankful I am for them. I love that the term "family" seems to grow bigger and bigger with every event. Weddings, births, friendships... It's funny to look at my family now, and see people added in, and it just feels normal to have them there. And i suppose it will only grow from here. It is nice to know, however, that whoever is added in, there will always be that core group of people that you can rely on with anything. Siblings, I believe, are some of the greatest gifts that God has provided for us.

Christmas was full of joy. I was lucky enough to receive two ryan adams vinyls, an extreme coffee mug, some toms, a nice messenger bag, every single Jane Austen novel and Adobe Photoshop 8. My family knows me a little too well, i think. Gifts that are thought through, are the best kind. Although a girl can never have too many scarves...

It's a funny thing to come home, the place you've lived in for most of your life, and be a "visitor" for the first time. Yes, it's still my home, but for the first time, i can avoid people from high school, i can be amazed at the new restaurant in town, notice the pot-holes that have been filled in, be greeted with a hardy "welcome home" from my favorite coffee shop, and lay in my bed with more appreciation than ever before.... Man I love that thing.

Well, it's a new year. I think back at this time last year, and realize that these were the days in which i decided to graduate an entire year early and move to England. All in one moment. That just proves that you can never really predict the course of your life. It will constantly surprise you. We must always remember that no matter how flawless our plans seem to be, God's are always better, whether we think so or not. And thank the Lord that I'm not a Senior in high school right now, that's looking forward to PROM '10. I'm so thankful for the plan that God had for me instead.

Who knows what 2010 has in store for me, but I cannot wait to find out what it is.

I'm headed back to England in one week. I only hope that my experience this next term will be half as good as the one first term. I know the Lord has new things to teach me, and new challenges and struggles to show me. I would like to take loads more pictures and maybe try to sleep more. But then again, who wants to spend their whole life sleeping when there are adventures to have! Sleeping is a luxury.

I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, or this fall... but I'm not worried........yet.

I promise I'll do better of writing on here more. It's one of my favorite things, really.

Go outside, and bundle up. Breathe in the cold air and feel it in your lungs. Thank God for everything He has blessed you with, and use those blessings to bring Him the glory.

Love.

Every nook and cranny.

2009-11-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Well, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. And yes, it's quite different attempting to celebrate this holiday when you don't live in America. Especially when everyone simply knows it as the holiday in which we founded the States, and killed a ton of people. I suppose I understand why people are slightly confused that we celebrate this day. But to us Americans, it is simply a day where every single one of us wishes we were home with our family. Whatever that looks like. I will miss going around the table, and hearing what everyone is thankful for. Eating good food. Seeing all of my family together. Being with my brothers. Ya know... the whole bit. But, I do believe some of the Americans are getting together to play some American football, and eat some lukewarm turkey. Although it will be a feeble attempt to feel at home, it will indeed make me feel slightly warm inside.

I'm playing a role in the Christmas roadshow. I play a hotel receptionist with loads of attitude and a good dose of sass. It will be fun. We'll be going to six different churches in the area to perform our little bit. It will be great fun, I'm sure.

Being a member of the Social Committee here at Capernwray, I feel like I should inform you all of the recent events that have been happening here at Capernwray, as a result of me and my fellow members of the committee. We had a "Pigeon Hole Party." You see, the way we get our mail here is little cubby holes, or pigeon holes, that have one letter on them. So, we share a mailbox with everyone that shares the first letter of our surname. So the five of us on the committee decided to have each pigeon hole dress up according to a different category. (i.e. geeks, futuristic, villains, togas, caveman, super heroes, etc.) I was a zombie. So, we all came to dinner in our different outfits, we played games. And, of course, had a dance party. Or, what the kids here like to call it.... A CapernRAVE. It was a good time, for sure.

I'm almost 18. Weird.

Thank you so much for sending me mail, friends. You have no idea how wonderful it is to receive a letter. The joy i feel when i see something waiting in my pigeon hole is indescribable. So, thank you. So much.

Have I told you how much I love my roommates? I love them a lot. We are truly starting to bond up in the ole' penthouse. We are all four so different. From different parts of the world. But we just get closer and closer every day. I'm so thankful for them.

As a result of the diversity of Capernwray, there are just an incredible amount of accents. Everyone sounds so different and I love it. Even within England, they sound so different. Northern English people, and Southern English people sound totally different. It's so funny. Our lecturers have all had different crazy accents. One of Liverpool, one from South Africa, one from Russia, one from the north of England, one from the South..... And well, our lecturer this weeks LITERALLY sounds like an Ent. Yes, an Ent. From Lord of the Rings. Treebeard, to be specific. It's hilarious to hear an old tree teach you about hebrews. Ah, I can't get enough.

With the help of my incredible brother, a great book (Becoming the Answers to Our Prayers by Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Costgrove- all of you go buy it and read it...... now.), some wonderful lectures, some helpful conversations, and the Bible, have all seemed to be pointing me to the simple fact that:

Jesus is everywhere.

You can't get away from Him. What a beautiful thing. The Trinity, The Great Creator, The Son of God, and the Holy Spirit, constantly surrounding you everyday in every moment. Does that not just blow your mind? Amazing.

So, friends. Be with your family this Thanksgiving. Be thankful for diversity, for fun, for dance parties, for friends, for food, for your community, and for the consistent and incredible presence of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

Love.

The beauty of silence.

2009-11-12T06:50:00.000-08:00

The days here are getting faster and faster. I feel as if my mind is constantly trying to catch up with me. I am trying to process the things that are happening to me, while trying to live everyday presently, and think about the future. It's exhausting, to say that least.

I miss my family. I do. I think of them often here. I think of my brothers when I go on adventures and explore new places. I think of my mom when I am tired, or sick, or want wisdom, or a shoulder to cry on, or everything really. I think of my dad when something hilarious happens, when i'm singing, or when i embarrass myself. All of these things happen on a daily basis. Therefore, making me think of my family on a daily basis. I think being away makes you appreciate them all the more. Being somewhere they have never been, that you love. It's impossible to try and describe this place, no matter how bad you want them to know.

Last week, we had an electronic fast. No computers, no phones, no ipods, etc. It was really great. The community, it seemed, was better than ever. Yes, it was hard not to check my email, not to call my mom, and no to be able to turn ryan adams on whenever I wanted to. But man, it was what every single student here really needed. Instead of listening to music, we made it. Instead of emailing, we wrote letters. Plus, I think card games are a lost art anyway.

The reason we did this electronic fast is to prepare ourselves for our all day prayer on Thursday. Instead of lectures, we just prayed. We all went off on our own and prayed. All day long. We had some songs in the morning, some more in the afternoon, and then my friend Marika and I were asked to sing for the night service. It was really an incredible day. God asked us to come to Him in the secret. Prayer is so powerful, and this place is letting me see the reality of that for the first time in my life. It's really beautiful.

On Wednesday, My name was called during morning announcements, along with the names of nine others. We were moved to the back room, and I looked at my fellow students, greeting each other with our common confused looks. Then, my RA walked back and looked at all of us. And said: "You have all been chosen to go to Kenya for the outreach next term."

Whoa. Wait.
I am?!?

Yes, I am going to Africa. Finally. I am going to go for two weeks at the end of February/beginning of March. I feel as if God is finally letting my body follow my heart. I am just out of my mind excited that he had handed my this opportunity that I feel like I have wanting this for so long, and it's finally going to happen. Yes, there are finances to raise, shots to get, prayers to be prayed, sports to be good at, and the fact that I'm slightly terrified to settle. But all of those things will fall into place, and i am not worried about any of them. Well, maybe a little about the being good at soccer thing...

I love you all.

Go play a card game...

Skittles taste different in England.

2009-10-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

My dear friends and family,

May I please start off my entry with an annoying, yet necessary, disclaimer.
I am sincerely apologetic for my lack of necessary lengthy responses to emails, blog entires, phone calls, and message replies. I have been doing an awful job at this, and I am fully aware of my shortcomings. Let at least try to explain this to you, not that i'm trying to make excuses. Here at Capernwray, we have limited internet access. It's on for 3 hours in the afternoon, and one hour at night. during these four hours, there are at least 50 students using the internet. Causing the internet to be as slow as molasses. (It took me hour days to download an album, i kid you not.) This makes it very hard to respond lengthy to people. I do wish, more than anything, that I could stop the clock and sit down and tell every single one of you what my days are like here. Not to mention, I have to use my afternoons for other things such as music practice, homework assignments, papers, reading, and much more. So let me just say that I am sorry if i feel distant from you right now. But to be honest, i am. Physically. So please give me grace, and be patient. And please don't take my lack of/delayed communication personally. I love you all the same. No matter how far my travels will take me.

My love for this place continues to grow, daily. But in very different ways. I'm still constantly in awe of the beauty, loving the friendships, and basking in the fact that I live in England. But now, I am starting to fall in love with what God is providing for me on a daily basis. I have never felt so hungry for knowledge, or been so amazed with God's provision. He is teaching me so much, and showing me so much. It's hard, it's scary, it's emotional, but it's beautiful.

Every day is a surprise, here at Capernwray. For example, last night I played 3 on five basketball against five scrappy Koreans, one of whom only really knows curse words in English. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard in my life. I can honestly say I never could have guessed that I would ever be put into that situation, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

I'm trying really hard to get better at piano. Really hard. I recently learned a Kanye West song on the piano. My dear friend James is kind enough to sit by me on the piano bench and provide some incredible beat-boxing. And well, i try my best to rap. Music is constantly filling the castle, and I love it. There is some really talented people here. My friend Marika and I were asked to perform for some local elderly people, a worship set here at Capernwray, and a traveling Christmas roadshow. Ha, yeah. A roadshow.
In fact, I'm quitting bible school and joining a circus. Sorry mom.

I went to Liverpool. I listened to the song Penny Lane, on Penny Lane. Yes, there were tears. I stood in Strawberry Fields. I saw all the boys childhood homes. And i went into The Cavern. It was one of the most beautiful days, ever. Ah. Praise the Lord of the Beatles. Seriously.

I'm going to Scotland this weekend. I will have lunch in the cafe that J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter in. I will be so inspired, I will probably start writing the novel, then quit the circus when i sell thousands. Yes. That's the plan...

Love always.

Just take a step back, and look around.

2009-10-10T05:53:00.001-07:00

I am constantly surrounded by rolling green fields, sheep, the word of God, and great people.

That is my current life, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

I'm finally starting to settle in here, and feel comfortable. Every morning I wake up, and I look out my tower window, (I suppose you could say my current life is very similar to that of a Christian Princess), and I thank God that I'm here. In the midst of everything going on at home, and my family feeling further than ever, there is this sense of peace that God has given me, that I am so thankful because I really need that right now. I would normally be freaking out, but for some reason, I feel God's presence and control over all that I am worried about.

This place is a constant reminder that I am taken care of by the universe. Ah, yes. Maybe for the first time, the word "content" would be a perfect way to describe the I feel.

I went more north in England last weekend, and got to see William Wordsworth grave. That was incredible, and made me think of my dear friend Annaka, and wishing she could be a nerd with me and just stare at the ground. As I was walking the streets of the lake district, I felt like I was living poetry. Every step a took, another stanza to be written down. It's an incredible feeling to be walking around the a place that you have read poem and poem about. It makes all art so real and close. That's what all of England makes me feel like. Living poetry. It's wonderful.

The classes here continue to be wonderful. I am constantly learning new things, and being challenged. There are always questions in my head, whirling around at the speed of light. And when one finally slows down enough for me to snatch, there are 180 students just waiting to talk, or argue, about it with me. There is something wonderful about the common ground of a hunger for knowledge. It truly makes a close community. I can already tell that the people I am meeting here will be lifelong friends.

I am now going to go watch our football team play a local team for a real game. Our soccer pitch is in the middle of one of the sheep fields. It's truly wonderful. By the way, the idea the sheep are precious and cute is a total misconception. They are some of the ugliest animals I have ever seen in my life.

Here is my house. See the tallest window? That's my bedroom.

Pay my respects to grace and virtue.

2009-09-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

I do really love this place. I live in a castle, with 180 people that are in the exact same situation as me. We all are not sure what our futures will look like, but we all want to learn more about the Lord, make friends, live in England, and try to really listen to what He is trying to say. It's nice to be surrounded by people you can relate to on things that you aren't used to being able to relate to. Not to mention the learning I am going to do at this place will be incredible. I already know that it will.

The grass here is impossibly green. It almost hurts to look at, it's so beautiful. The rolling hills, the sheep, the canal, the castle itself... all completely breathtaking. I'm so astonished daily by the beauty surrounding me. I'm so lucky to be here.

I will try to post pictures as soon as I can.

It's nice to be here, and be on my own, and be able to experience the independence that has been trying to get my attention for years. It is nice to be on my own and to truly feel like this is something that I am doing, on my own. This is currently part of my life that I chose, and I am so happy that I did. I am confident in the fact that I am supposed to be here.

Not saying that there aren't moments of loneliness in the night, that hit you like a cold sweat. Thank God for the beauty of music though. Ryan Adams feels like an old friend, and keeps me company when I need a sense of familiarity. Then there are those certain songs that make you thing of someone specifically, and it feels like you are sitting there right with them. Thank you, music.

I'll write more soon.

Ya know what's fun?
Letters....

Capernwray Hall
Carnforth
Lancashire
LA6 1AG
UK

"A culture with only one word for love is in danger of loneliness."
Just a little taste of what I'm learning.

Love.

Let's just pack up our bags, and go...

2009-09-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I am moving to England.

I am bringing two suitcases fully equipped with my favorite items of clothing, too many scarves, a faithful teddy bear, and a pair of kelly green rain boots. I constantly glance over at the stretching zippers and wonder how long they will be able to do there job. Then I find one more thing, and unzip the suitcase, watch it let out the breathe of air it had ever so desperately been holding in, shove something else in the impossibly tight corner, and start the long process of zipping it back up again.

I hate packing. Also, I am fully aware of the fact that I will forget something. I know I will.

This last week has been one full of laughter, tears, poetry, surprises, porches, goodbyes, and freak-outs. And in the midst of all of this, I haven't once taken the time to let my brain fully comprehend the fact that I am leaving. But now, as i sit in my (moderately) clean room staring at my packed suitcases, and the items that are to be left behind, the reality of all of this seems to be sitting right by me (like he has been the entire time), and I have only just greeted him now.

Hello Reality, nice to see you. Hopefully we will get along and that soon I will be able to call you by your care-free nickname:

Adventure.

I will try to write in my blog as often as possible to keep my dear friends and family updated with my life in England. Maybe I'll post pictures, maybe not. But guaranteed, I will write of my adventures, and the lessons that I'm sure God will be teaching me the next few months.

For now, however, I will turn off my computer, place the needle on my Don Fogelberg vinyl, lay back on my floor, close my eyes, and just...... rest.

See you kids across the pond.

[I took this picture in Colorado at the beginning of this summer. I think it's a good symbol of beginnings.]

Put my heart in your hands.

2009-09-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

I took this picture when I went to go visit my brother last year. But it didn't mean nearly as much as it does now....

Sailing has become this symbol of reckless abandon. ya know? dropping everything to follow your dream. Why aren't there as many dreamers out there anymore? I have started to notice that my closest friends are dreamers. Because someone that is apathetic, and has no motivation or passion is hard for me to be around. I can't wrap my head around someone that lives that kind of life. What is the point? I feel like i want to commit my life to checking dreams off of my list.

I want a sailboat. I feel like it will help me greatly in my journey of as a dreamer.
Who's coming with me?

It's really the most liberating feeling...

2009-08-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

The summer is over.

And as i sit down at my computer and begin to think back on my summer, trying desperately to find a way to fish out my thoughts so you can experience them the way i did, i realize that there really isn't a possible way to describe the things i experienced this summer.

There is nothing I can say to give you the same feeling of peace, or freedom, or of genuine joy that I felt in those few glorious moments. No, nothing big happened. But my summer was filled with little moments in which i felt content. These moments are ones that I could never had thought about previously, could have never made into a dream, but once they happened, I felt as if it is what I had been waiting for all along. Like that particular moment, that I had no idea was going to happen, was exactly what I needed. When I get this feeling, I can't help but think about the love the my Creator has for me. I look at all he has done for me this summer, and it just makes me feel so taken care of, and safe. And reminds me that wherever i go, whatever decision i make, that he is there and that he is doing all of this for a reason. He gives me what i need, whether it is a car ride, a life-changing song, a good cry, a new friend, a massive storm (the kind that sort of scare you, in an exhilarating way), a new book, or just a simple conversation. There is nothing better than the feeling that the entire universe is taking care of you.
Usually, at this point, I would be stressing out about my future, trying to think of everything that could be a possible failure, so I can do the best I can to avoid it entirely. But, I feel like if I learned anything this summer, it is that I need to just chill out, and not worry.

Because everything I experience, good or bad, easy or hard, it will add to my adventure.

Or at least give me something to write about......

Maybe all we needed was a little direction.

2009-06-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Summer,

I'm so glad to see your familiar face that i missed so badly during those cold cold months. Even though I am inclined to winter/fall apparel, nothing beats all the things that you bring me year after year. You have already provided such adventure for me and you have only begun. I can't wait to see the things you have left to show me and teach me.
I'm sitting here at camp and I'm pretty sure I'm stealing wireless from someone... I'm just not sure who. Anyway, It's one of the chilly Wisconsin days. The ones where you have to wear a sweatshirt, and maybe even put the hood up at times. (no shower necessary for a day like today...). I love days like this. I love picnic tables. And I love everyone that surrounds me on a day to day basis.
I also love when adventures are so much more than you could have ever expected. And relationships that come out of nowhere are usually the best kind. Have you ever met someone, and right away you knew that they would probably be a part of your life forever? I have. New relationships are so exciting, because you just never really know what's coming next. The thrill of something new is a feeling that can't really be compared to.
I love that sort of people that are constantly surprising you with who they are. Like, just when you think you have reached the bottom, you realize that you have only really scratched the surface of who they are.
You know what I mean?
In other news, I'm getting a stye in my eye. Awesome.
They are so awkward, and they hurt. And for some reason I get one every summer when I'm at camp.

Hey, nature loves you.

2009-05-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."
-Khalil Gibran

Maybe I think more clearly in the morning.

2009-05-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, I did not rush to begin my routinely frantic process of getting ready. I simply turned on my back, and stared at my ceiling. I wasn't ready for the day to begin just yet. The fifth of May holds dark memories and I wasn't ready to remember them. The memories were quickly ushered in, however, by the third sounding of the alarm.

I rolled out of bed, put on my favorite sweater, and pinned my bangs back. (I only pin my bangs back on bad days). As I trudged down the stairs, five minutes behind schedule, mind you, I accepted, and embraced, the fact that I was going to be late for class. The natural inclination for normal human beings that are running late would be to start to rush. Mine, however, was to sit down at my piano and play through the single song I know by heart. When I played the last note, my fingers made their way back to the first note of the song, and started to play through it again.

I glanced up at the clock and it seemed to be screaming, "Now you are really going to be late, Hurry up!" But I ignored my impatient friend and delicately grabbed my keys, checked to make sure all the lights were off, and walk out the door. As the garage door began to crawl up, it started to reveal the thickest layer of fog I have seen since moving from Indiana.(they used to cancel school due to fog). It seemed to completely swallow everything around me. The world consisted of my driveway, and that was it. I found myself so paralyzed from the beauty, I ignored the jingling of my keys as they dropped from my hand onto the pavement.

I managed to regain my composure, and continued the journey to my car. As I turned the key, I realized that I was breathing heavily, and deeply. I'm not really sure why. I put my car in reverse and began to back-up, blindly. I couldn't see anything, until it was almost ten feet in front of me. Sure, I was a little scared, but I was also excited. This ever-so-familiar journey was transformed into this mysterious adventure. There is something so exhilarating about not knowing what is coming next.

The beauty of the unknown.

I reached for my volume dial and turned the Live at Olympia Theatre version of Oh My Sweet Carolina (accompanied with a harmonica piece that will melt you soul), up to an impossible volume.

I can honestly say that it was one of the most beautiful six and a half minutes I've ever experienced. I felt content, I felt free, I felt lost (the good kind), I felt alive.

Then, I made the dreaded left turn into the parking lot. This indescribable feeling being rudely and abruptly interrupted by the jolt of the speed bump passing under my tires. As I pulled into my parking spot, I glanced into my rear view mirror and saw that my bangs were pinned back.

And I remembered it was May 5th.

I know it looks like I'm paying attetion.

2009-04-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

When I enter my class, I strategically sit in the back. I pull out my Calculus book, and prop it on my lap. And then, ever so quietly, I grab whatever novel I'm reading and place it skillfully behind my text book. This not only gives the illusion that I'm intently studying, but also that I'm extremely interested in Calculus. (A secret?- I'm not.) Anyway, I'm reading this book by Mother Theresa right now. Talk about inspiration. I mean, the way she writes is so real. Everything just comes to her, and she just understands. She just, gets it. And here's the thing that really made me respect her... I'm sure when you think of Momma T, you think of this strong, courageous, humble woman. It's really hard to think of any other words when it come to her. But the way she starts off her book, "No Greater Love", is a simple sentence:
"I don't think there as anyone that needs God's help and grace as much as I do. Sometimes I feel so helpless and weak."
Wow, Momma T, that is what I call honesty. I mean, the woman is a saint, and here she is saying that she is weak. If she is weak, than I don't know what the hell I am.
Am I making things more complicated than they really are?
Probably.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm making some really big decisions for myself. Although this feels to freeing, and wonderful, I can't help but struggle with this balance of taking care of one's self, and selfishness.
Do you know what I'm saying?

May is going to be an interesting month. Chatting with a friend the other day, I decided that life would be wonderful if all the goods things cost one dollar and sixty four cents.-Not just drip coffee and cream cheese muffins.
Why did I tell you guys this?
I don't know.

I'm excited to explore. I'm excited to not know anyone. So soon. (a secret?- I'm also sort of scared...)

I just want to be a wild traveler.
And I still want a sailboat.

This blog has become such a ridiculous emotional rant.
I should probably start sharing links like everyone else.

I took this picture a long time ago, but I've always like this tree.

The Escape:

Just sit back and laugh.

2009-04-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

So lately, I have been laughing out loud at things that I see. Even when I'm by myself. Yes, I realize that this is probably a sign of my oncoming insanity, but i sort of enjoy it.
For example, I thought I saw someone smoking a cigarette at John Brown No Tobacco University today in the middle of campus, and I just started laughing out loud as I strolled to class. I mean, I was mistaken.. but still, just the though made me chuckle. Now I realize some of you might read this observation as a silly mistake of an extremely harmful act. But man, I thought it was hilarious.
I feel like a spent all of last semester frowning. I mean, it was probably one of the hardest semesters of my life, and I never took time to smile or laugh, except on rare occasions. But now that I find myself smirking at even the smallest things, it has just made me a generally happier person.
Also, I think that my dad's sense of humor is becoming increasingly wittier as the years go by and I appreciate it so much. Really. It's made our relationship so much closer. He's becoming one of my best friends. All we need is to sit on the back porch, an ice cold beer for him, and a cup of steaming coffee for me, and a little bit of Cat Stevens, and we could be completely content.

I really want:
a sail boat.
a rocking chair that squeaks.
peace.
the ability to play the violin.
artistic ability.
and a pen pal. (any takers?)

Alright kids, make yourself laugh...

so, call me crazy. please.

2009-03-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

it's such a nice thing to take a break from this ongoing and antagonizingly familiar routine of life. spring break most likely saved me. and i mean this quite literally.

lately, i've begun to just lose so much hope in humanity. i am constantly exhausted with these unanswered questions swirling around in my head that yearn to be answered. i feel like i'm trying so hard to learn. learn more about what it means to love out loud. and to live a life that is worthy
but it can be an entirely lonely feeling.

it's people like wendell berry, however, that give me hope.
hope that all is not lost.
hope that some people just understand.
hope that people are still madly in love with nature.
hope that people still have motivation.
hope that people still want to shake up the lives of their comfortable friends.
hope that people still have a clever sense of humor.
hope that people still care.
hope that people still love poetry.
and hope that people still yearn to be in the peace of the wild things.

this piece has been one that has been read over and over again for awhile now...

The Contrariness of the Mad Farmer

I am done with apologies. If contrariness is my
inheritance and destiny, so be it. If it is my mission
to go in at exits and come out at entrances, so be it.
I have planted by the stars in defiance of the experts,
and tilled somewhat by incantation and by singing,
and reaped, as I knew, by luck and Heaven's favor,
in spite of the best advice. If I have been caught
so often laughing at funerals, that was because
I knew the dead were already slipping away,
preparing for a comeback, and can I help it?
And if at weddings I have gritted and gnashed
my teeth, it was because I knew where the bridegroom
had sunk his manhood, and knew it would not
be resurrected by a piece of cake. "Dance" they told me
and I stood still, and while they stood
quiet in line at the gate of the Kingdom, I danced.
"Pray" they said, and I laughed, covering myself
in the earth's brightnesses, and then stole off gray
into the midst of a revel, and prayed like an orphan.
When they said "I know that my Redeemer liveth,"
I told them "He's dead." And when they told me
"God is dead," I answered "He goes fishing every day
in the Kentucky River. I see Him often."
When they asked me would I like to contribute
I said no, and when they had collected
more than they needed, I gave them as much as I had.
When they asked me to join them I wouldn't
and then went off by myself and did more
than they would have asked. "Well, then" they said
"go and organize the International Brotherhood
of Contraries," I said "Did you finish killing
everybody who was against peace?" So be it.
Going against men, I have heard at times a deep harmony
thrumming in the mixture, and when they ask me what
I say I don't know. It is not the only or the easiest
way to come to the truth. It is one way.
-Wendell Berry.

I realize that this pathetic blog is really just a redundancy of anaphoras, wendell berry, talk of nature and of my own insanity, and ranting. but for those of you that still read this.
Thanks.

post-rain lighting is the best...

Let the wind dance across your face, and just breathe in.

2009-03-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more frustrating in this world than attempting to have a conversation with a close-minded person. Yes, I have my opinons. Yes, they are stong ones. But please, oh please, just know what you are talking about. That is all I ask. If we are having a conversation about something that we totally disagree on, and I see that you have your opinion because that is what you truly believe, than more power to you. But please, don't tell me I am wrong, judgemental, or stupid when you don't even know what I'm talking about. [I know that I'm going on a ridiculous rant right now, but man... it's been quite the week, so just hear me out.] Having an argument for argument's sake is completely pointless and will never accomplish anything. I want people to have their own opinions.
But please, oh please, create them on your own. After you have learned about that subject, and formed an educated opinion.

As humans, i believe we are called to be informed individuals.

Ignorance is not bliss.

We are called to feel passionate about things. We are called to be constantly learning. We are called to have opinions. We are even called to disagree with one another. And it's so nice to disagree with someone, while still maintaining that common ground of humanity. That is what we call an intelligent conversation.
Those kinds are the kinds that water my soul.

[I promise, my ranting serves a purpose]

So, after a week of these ignorant opinions, pointless conversations, frustrating arguments, bad grades, bad coffee, bad hair, and a broken earring... I was about to lose my mind.

Right as I felt it slipping away, I was saved.
A good conversation, two beautiful friends, an encouraging email, the wind blowing in my face, a creek, lots of laughter, fake sporting events, and rod stewart is all it took to get me back on my feet.

And I realized. I need to stop letting these little things get to me. It's simply a waste of time. And I hate wasting things. [mostly time and paper..]

Please fill my ears with the sweet sound of summer.

Maybe, for that one moment.

2009-03-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

I think about the future.
Way too much.
I strive to be a person that lives in the moment.
One that takes full advantage of opportunities.
One that is constantly amazed by nature.
One that finds beauty in simplicity.
One that is baffled by the complex.
One that appreciates.
One that loves all. Always.
One that seeks.
One that is never satisfied.

This new leaf of mine is so close to turning, and I am oh so ready for it. I know it will be great.
But for now, I will be patient [no matter how hard].
And I will be a bride married to amazement. [mary oliver, read her. love her. read her again.]

And I won't look back.

[except for you.]

If you just close your eyes and listen, you will hear it too.

2009-02-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

Get on 412
Continue on 412
Turn right on Henri De Tonti Rd.
Turn left on Kelly Ave.

Since second grade, I have been making the trip to Springdale to see my father every other weekend, and once during the week. This is a trip that I have made countless times-literally. As the years have gone, the trip has varied. My dad picking us up, all three of us scooting into his car, throwing our suitcases in the back. Zac getting his license and his lovely white jetta, we made the trip on 412 arguing over music choice and seating arrangement. Zac moved, Christian got his license, thus creating bonding time for us siblings. Long conversations about life, or short ones about music. Now, being the only kid left, I make this familiar journey alone. No siblings, just me and my ipod. During these trips, I can't help but think about my brothers, and my childhood. It is truly sad when you see your childhood slipping away. You realize how far those memories really are. You look to your right and see that no one is sitting in your passenger seat, and that you too will no longer be taking this trip. Weird.

One thing that hasn't changed about this trip is the directions. The directions have stayed ever-so-constant throughout my entire Arkansas existence.
So one night, when I was drivng home from my father's...

I turned.

Yes, that's right. After years and years of going the exact same direction to the exact same destination, I turned.

It was this little country road.
Was I scared?-Maybe
Or maybe the feeling that I was feeling deep down was excitement, danger even.
For the first time, I was somewhere unknown-sort of- and i was by myself.
It was exhilarating.
As the road winded through pastures and little country yards, I started thinking.
Yes, those old memories are good. They are safe.
They aren't sad. They are good. And now I get to make more memories, and I know that I have an exciting future ahead of me.
Change is dangerous, but it is exciting.

Change something.
Even if it means that all you need to do is turn.

Listen for the building of the strings.

2009-01-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

I want to live a life a reckless abandon.
I want to realize the reality of redemption.
I want to live a life that is unconscious to myself.
I want to be a servent.
I want to live a deliberate life.

These are all things that i desperately yearn for. These things are also things that I don't do a very good job at. In this last semester, I would like to re-organize my priorities and try to live for Him, and not for myself.

I have spent the last week with zero power. Although I spent plent of time complaining about every moment, I honestly loved every second. I loved that my phone was out of battery, I loved that I couldn't check my email, and I loved that I was using candlelight to illuminate my room. Everything looks better in candlelight. It's incredible how connected we all are by means of electricity, and how unconnected we all are without it. Does this mean we are even truly connected anyway? I find it a bit ironic. It was a true adventure to figure out how to make coffee with my mom, the way the pioneers did. So what if it had some grounds left in it.... It was a perfect cup of coffee. Everything tastes better when you work for it. It was really great to be with my mom for those few days. She didn't care that my bangs were entirely greasy, or that I had been wearing t-shirt/sweatpants combo for the past 4 days. She cared about how I was. I love that woman.

There is nothing like listening to a song that starts off so subtle, and slowly builds, until it hits you in the face with it's beauty. Sometime it brings tears to my eyes.

Maybe it's not that big of a deal.

2009-01-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

When I am reading poetry, I always feel like I am reading something forbidden. I always am glancing over my shoulders to make sure no one knows that I am really just reading a stolen diary. But then I remember that it is, in fact, a published collection of thoughts for the world to see.
I mean, when you think about it, poetry is simply the result of living. Everday we are constantly living an art form. Everything we do, think, and see is, in some way, poetic.

So, I guess you could say we are all poets. Some of us just choose to write it down.

Why can't I just be happy that you are happy?
Dysfunctional are my relationships of late.

67,000 miles an hour.

2008-12-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

Here we are. All of us, here. Spinning around the same sun.

And as we are all trying to figure out or own problems, we still manage to reach out to one another. We makes friends. We learn who they are. What makes them tick, what makes them melt and such. Sure, we don't always get to know their day to day beings, but the other stuff is just more important, don't you think?
As I see the new year approahing, I think of all the people that I have reached out to, and the ones that have reached back. I am so thankful for the people that I have found in my life that truly know me, and care for me. I'm not talking about people that you just get along with, or tolerate. I'm talking about that people that you learn and grow with. Have you ever had a friend that is explaining something they are going through, and you know that you could be saying the exact same thing, and it would still stand true? That is the freind I'm talking about. I am talking about truly connecting with and understanding (or at least trying) another human being. The people, that amidst the frantic activity of life, are always there. They are constant and safe.

I am so blessed to say that I have those friendships in my life. No, they are not always conventional, they are not always close, and they are not always pefect. But they are beautiful. Every single one of them.

In order to make these many relationships that compose our lives good ones, we much invest in Person B, right? Here is what I always seem to struggle with though. How do we properly function in these relationships, while manintaining a sense of ourselves, and keeping those precious pieces of our hearts close, and secret? If you were to see the movie of my life, you would know that this is something that I have never done quite right. There were those instances when I didn't share enough out of fear of losing it, which contributed to the eminent demise of the relationship. And then there was the polar opposite situations, where I shared too much, only to see those pieces of my heart disappear. Those pieces of my heart that no one should have seen, gone.
Is this something that I can ever master?
We'll see.
I have plenty of growing up to do, that is for sure.

I'm going to Iowa in a day. To see my one of these dear friends in my life. Watering my soul...

beginnings, thoreau, insanity, and christmas.

2008-12-25T15:19:00.000-08:00

I was finally inspired to just get one of these things. I'm thinking it will help contribute to the prevention of complete insanity, on my part. Yes, I think it therapeutic to share my thoughts. Even if it's just to myself.

Yes, today is Christmas. And a merry one to you and yours. I got a record player today. Something I have been wanting for a long time now. My father recently told me how much he appreciates my deep love for music and is glad that we can share that. That meant a lot to me. It is a nice thing when passions collide. Especially when it is someone close to you. So, my dad got me a record player. He taught me how to be particularly careful with the needle, and even gave me a cloth to clean my vinyls. It was nice. It was like we were just friends, that just so happened to be related.

So, I will carefully slip my Ryan Adams vinyl out of it's sleeve, and gently place the needle on it, and let the sweet sweet sounds of Oh My Sweet Carolina crawl into every corner of the room.

All the sweetest winds blow across the south.

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep. I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor. It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. If we refused, or rather used up, such paltry information as we get, the oracles would distinctly inform us how this might be done. "
-Henry Thoreau